Teddy Bear's Picnic

Life looked perfect. All seemed well. At least until one Monday morning at the Screen Gems studio. The groups' producer, Bob Rafelsen, was looking over a movie script his movie writer dropped off for him to read, and then give to Mike, when pink smoke filled the room. Bob turned around and saw a woman dressed up in pink and silver fur with black hair tied up with a pink scarf, and lots of heavy make-up.

"Hi there," she said.

"Uh, hi," Bob said, turning around. "I take it you're a relative of Mike's."

"That's right, honey," the woman said. "I'm Mikey's Aunt Beulah."

"Nice to meet you Mrs. . . . uhhh . . . ."

"Oh, you can just call me Beulah, you great big hunk of man, you!"

"Uhh, yeah. Well, Mike's not here right now, if you want to know the truth."

"Oh. Well, when he comes in for work, give him this little gift for me, would you, love? He's sure to love it! Ta-ta!"


Beulah popped out. Mike came in at that moment and saw Bob holding a box that looked like a birthday present or something.

"Hey, Bob," he said. "What's that?"

"Your aunt Beulah popped in a second ago," Bob said. "She wanted me to give this to you."

"Oh god. Aunt Beulah. The last time she gave me a present was when I was ten years old and she sent me a pink rabbit suit. I looked like a deranged Easter Bunny."

"I take it you don't like her."

"I don't. She calls me 'Mikey' and I can't stand that nickname. And she thinks I'm three years old. It's downright annoyin'. I wonder what she sent me this time?"

Mike ripped open the box and found a small, light tan teddy bear with a red bow around his neck. The bottom of his feet and inside his ears were a burgundy color. Mike picked the bear up and made a face.

"Great," he said. "What the heck am I gonna do with this thing?"

"Well," Bob said. "It is kinda cute."

"Yeah, sure. But I'm a grown man! What do I need a teddy bear for?"

"Why don't you give it to one of your kids?"

"They have enough stuffed animals as it is!"

Mike tossed the bear over his shoulder and walked off. Bob followed him, carrying the movie script. The teddy bear just laid there on the ground. Suddenly, he began to sit up, all on it's own.

"So Mikey Nesmith doesn't wanna play with me," he said. "Well, how about I play with him?"

The teddy bear stood up and walked out of the room. Mike was sitting in his director's chair, skimming the movie script. Bob gave him total control of the movies they did since Mike could easily turn Bob into a toad if he was forced to do something he didn't want to do. As he was reading, the teddy bear climbed up his leg.

"What the heck?" he asked, looking. He figured the bear came with strings and Bob was pulling it like a puppet.

"Bob, is this your idea of a joke?!" he shouted.

"What?" Bob asked.

"Are you makin' this bear climb up my leg?"

"No. It's just a normal old teddy bear."

"Well then why is it crawlin' up my leg?"

"Beats me."

Mike groaned and threw the bear off. The bear came right back at him, like a boomerang. Mike threw it again, and it came back again.

"Okay, what's goin' on here?" he asked. He threw the bear one more time. This time, Peter caught it.

"Where'd you get the teddy bear, Mike?" he asked.

"My Aunt Beulah gave it to me," Mike said. "But I don't want it. You want it?"

"Yeah!" Peter shouted, hugging the bear tightly as he could. "Thanks, Mike! He's so cute!"

"Gah!" the bear choked. Peter just hugged it. Mike left the room.

"Hey!" the bear shouted. "Let go you idiot! You're choking me!"

Peter stopped suddenly. He held the teddy bear up to his face and looked into his eyes.

"Did . . . did you just say something?" he asked. The teddy bear nodded. Peter dropped it and screamed.

"Michael! There's something weird about that teddy bear!" he shouted.

"Oh for goodness sake!" Mike shouted, picking up the bear. "It's just an ordinary stuffed animal. Hey, Jer! Heads up!"

Mike threw the teddy bear. Jerry caught it and walked over.

"New prop for a movie or something?" he asked.

"No," Mike said. "Present from one of my aunts. This one thinks I'm still a three-year-old. I don't want it."

"I'll take it," Jerry said. "Maybe I can give it to this girl I know. She collects animals. I just came down here to see if you've got a new movie."

"Yeah, the one Bob gave me looks pretty good. You're in it, by the way, Jer. So if you could swing by tomorrow, we'll work on filming."

Jerry saluted and walked to his car, carrying the teddy bear. He threw it into the car and drove off. He turned on the radio. The teddy bear leaned up and crawled onto Jerry's lap.

"Hiya," he said.

"Huh?!" Jerry shouted. The teddy bear then jumped against the window and clobbered Jerry in the head.

"Move over, buddy boy, I'm drivin'!" he shouted and grabbed the steering wheel. Somehow or another, he pushed on the gas pedal and the car took off. Jerry was shocked. But not shocked enough.

"Hey!" he shouted. "Give me the wheel!"

"No way, Jose!" the teddy bear said. He began driving faster and faster.

"Okay, if you won't give me the wheel, at least slow down a little."


The teddy bear ran through five red lights in a row. Jerry knew he was going to get a speeding ticket for this one, that's for sure! As the bear was speeding along, he saw a girl coming down the street.

"Whoa mama!" he shouted. "Follow that babe!"

The bear turned the steering as hard as he could. The car turned around, smacking into a mailbox, and knocking it out of the ground. The bear went faster and faster trying to catch up with the girl. Of course, he swerved between cars, passing them. It all ended when the bear crashed into a lamp post, and a car crashed into Jerry's car, and another car into that car, and another one, and so on and so on. Jerry looked shocked to death. Sirens filled the air.

"Uh oh," the bear said. "The fuzz! Catch you on the flip side, pal!"

The bear jumped out the window and a cop arrived on the scene.

"Hi," Jerry said.

"Going a little fast, weren't you buddy?" the cop asked.

"It's a funny story, actually. You're gonna laugh when you hear this. See, I was on my way home when this teddy bear grabbed the steering wheel and took off after a friend of mine. Ha, ha! Funny, isn't it?"

"Ha, ha, ha. Hysterical. Really funny."

Jerry and the cop started cracking up. The next thing Jerry knew, he was getting a mug shot taken, having the cops take his fingerprints, and then he was locked in a cell.

"What a day," he groaned. "Hey, don't I get a right to a phone call?"

"Yeah," the cop said. He handed Jerry the phone. "Here."


Jerry let out a frustrated sigh and dialed the Screen Gems studio. Luckily, Mike picked up.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Hey, Mike," Jerry said. "It's me. You're not gonna believe this, man, but you know that teddy bear I took off your hands?"


"Well, it landed me in jail."

"What?! That's impossible!"

"No joke. It grabbed the steering wheel and sped off. I ended up in jail after the bear saw this chick walking down the street and he tried to follow her."

"Okay, fine. I'll come bail you out. Where's the bear?"

"Well, when the cop showed up, he bailed out."

Mike sighed and hung up the phone. Then he went down to the police station and bailed Jerry out.

"I hope you appreciate what I do for you," he said.

"I owe you big time," Jerry replied. "I'm gonna tell you. There's something weird about that teddy bear your aunt gave you."

"Oh for Pete's sake, it's just a teddy bear! It's a child's play thing. There is absolutely nothin' dangerous about it!"

Suddenly, there was a high pitched (and I do mean high pitched) meow. Mike and Jerry ran for where it was coming from and saw three cats tied together by their tails! The smallest one was crying at the top of her lungs.

"Whoa, what happened here?" Mike shouted. Then he saw the giant knot in the cats' tails. "Other than the obvious tails tied together in a knot."

The cats began mewing then. Jerry couldn't understand a word they were saying. But Mike was leaning over them, with a look on his face. Jerry recognized it. It was a look of pure concentration.

"They said a teddy bear did it," he said.

"How'd you know what they said?" Jerry asked.

"Didn't you hear them?"

"All I heard was a bunch of meowing. I think you've got yourself a new power."

"Yeah, I guess I do."

Mike never really thought about it before, but his aunts did tell him that he would be developing new abilities, since he found out he was part witch.

"What did the bear look like?" Jerry asked, trying to untie the cats' tails.

"They said it was sort of light tan and it had red in it's ears and on it's feet and it wore a red bow-tie," Mike said.

"Told you," Jerry said to Mike. "Argh, I can't do this. I'm not good at untying knots."

"Don't look at me," Mike said. "I never learned knot tyin'. I wasn't in the Eagle Scouts for all that long."

The cats began crying then. Mike took a deep breath and stood up.

"Look, I'm gonna get you out of this mess," he said. "But it's gonna have some unforseen side effects. And I won't know what they are until I do this."

Mike snapped his fingers and undid the knot in the cats' tails, but the tips of their tails were now bare.

"I'll put it back," Mike said. "But not now. If this teddy bear is dangerous, I might have to use my magic on it. And you already know I don't have unlimited powers."

"So basically you're not gonna use any magic until you see that bear," Jerry said.


"Makes sense."

Suddenly, a group of animals came running down the path. Mike and Jerry dodged to avoid being trampled, and they ended up coming across the teddy bear.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Mikey Nesmith," the bear said.

"Mikey?" Jerry asked.

"That's what my Aunt Beulah calls me, and I can't stand it," Mike said. "All right, bear, knock off this nonsense right now or I'm gonna get ugly."

"Oh yeah?" the bear challenged.


Mike pointed his index finger and shot his magic at the bear. He jumped and the blast hit a nearby tree and it exploded.

"Oops," Mike said. The teddy bear cracked up and jumped on Mike's face. Mike tried to pull it off, but he held on tight.

"Hee, hee, hee!" the bear laughed. "This is some fun!"

"Hey, cut that out!" Jerry yelled.

The teddy bear stuck out his tongue at him and staid put.

"Okay, that's all I can stand!" Jerry shouted. "Play time's over, bear!"

Jerry grabbed the bear, yanked him off Mike's face, and threw him into the air. The bear fell to the ground. Mike collapsed onto the ground and began to gasp for breath. The teddy bear grumbled, and grabbed Mike's wool hat off his head. Then he stuffed it into his mouth and swallowed.

"Burp," the teddy bear said. "Excuse me." Then he walked off.

Mike and Jerry just stood there, bug-eyed and slack-jawed. Never in their lives have they ever seen a teddy bear actually eat. Heck, they've never seen one walk and talk before, either! They just stood there, totally speechless, mouths gaping open.

"Wow," Mike said, finally.

"Double wow," Jerry replied.

"Come on, Jerry," Mike said. "We've got a lot of work to do if we want to stop that bear from wreaking havoc!"

The bear was walking along the street and finally got to Micky and Davy's pad.  The bear smiled sneakily and threw himself down onto the ground and tried to look like a normal teddy bear.

"Hey, little fella," Micky said to it, picking it up. "Where did you come from?"

"Come on, Micky," Davy said. "Lunch time."

"Oh right."

Micky walked into the dining room when Davy noticed the teddy bear.

"Have a new friend to sleep with at night to keep away the monsters under your bed, Micky?" he teased.

"Very funny.  I found him outside. Some little boy or girl probably dropped it. You want it, Davy?"

"Yeah sure.  It is awfully cute, though. Julie might like it."

"I wonder if it's got a name?" 

"Yeah," the teddy bear said. "Your worst nightmare! Now put me down, fuzzy!"

Micky immediately dropped the bear. Davy looked shocked. The teddy bear laughed like crazy and ran outside.  Micky and Davy followed it to see what it was going to do. It took out a garden hose.

"Hey, you!" Davy shouted. "Put that down or I'll . . . . . I can't believe I'm yelling at a teddy bear!"

"Believe it, buster!" the teddy bear asked, turning on the hose at full blast. Both Monkees were plastered to the wall of the pad. Then the bear laughed and ran out of sight.

"Oh man," Micky groaned.

"That's gonna leave a mark," Davy added in a strained voice.

The teddy bear walked around to the park. Quacky sitting on a bench reading a book. He didn't even notice the teddy bear coming towards him.

"Now its time for fun!" the bear said. He somehow or another took a cigarette lighter and turned it on at the bottom of Quacky's book. Quacky didn't notice until his hands got burned by the flames.

"YEOW!" he shouted. "What the . . . . what happened?"

Quacky looked down and saw the teddy bear standing in front of him, holding a pair of scissors.

"About time," he said. "Hold still."

"Huh?" Quacky asked.

Before anything else could happen, the teddy bear jumped onto Quacky's back, and began slicing his hair off, like he was a vegematic. Quacky was left with a shag haircut straight out of the 1970's.

"Hey!" he shouted.

"See you later, doofus!" the bear said, running off.

Quacky just stood there, too stunned to move. Mike and Jerry ran over, following the bear's tracks.

"Looks like Teddy Terror struck here," Mike said. "Let me guess. It was havin' fun with your hair, huh?"

"What was your first clue?" Quacky asked.

"Simple," Mike said. "It got totally chopped off."

"What was that thing anyway?" Quacky asked. "An escapee from the Other Realm?"

"Not exactly," Mike said. "My Aunt Beulah sent me that bear, and it's wreaking havoc. I don't think Aunt Beulah likes me too much."

"I take it your aunt's a witch," Quacky said.

"She is. Most of my aunts are. And that's a witch bear."

"So what do we do?"

"Call Aunt Kate. She'll know what to do."

Mike walked over to the nearest pay phone and dialed.

"Hey, Aunt Kate," he said. "We have a slight problem."

"What's the matter?" Mike's favorite aunt, Kate, answered.

"Aunt Beulah swung by the other day and told Bob to give me a present."


"She ended up givin' me a teddy bear."

"Don't blame Beulah for that, Michael. She still thinks you're three years old."

"Yeah, but this one is wreakin' havoc on LA. So far, he's landed Jerry in jail, tied three cats' tails in a knot, and chopped off Quacky's hair. Maybe more. I'm not too sure."

Mike didn't get any answer. The line went dead all of a sudden.

"Hello?" he asked. "Hello? Aunt Kate? Are you there?"

POOF! Smoke filled the area. Mike coughed, waved it away, and turned to face his aunt.

"I wish you wouldn't do that," he said.

"You're just mad because you can't do that," Kate said. "I've noticed that about Beulah. She's always givin' her nieces and nephews toys that are out to wreak havoc or take over the world."

"Is there anything we can do?" Quacky asked.

"Well, then," Kate said. "We'll just have to track down that teddy bear and stop it from wreakin' havoc."

"How are we gonna track it down?" Mike asked.

"Follow the trail," Quacky said.

"What trail?"

"That one."

"How do you know it's the teddy bear's trail?"

"Call it a hunch."

Mike nodded. The trail happened to consist of chopped trees, stomped plants, and a giant mess. The group followed the trail for hours, but they couldn't find hide nor hair of the teddy bear.

"This is getting us nowhere," Quacky said. "Look, it's almost nine o'clock."

"I've got to get to the radio station," Jerry said. "See you guys later."

"I think we'd all better call it a night," Kate said. "We'll pick up the chase tomorrow."

Everybody nodded and went in there own separate directions. Mike caught up with Reggie and Sarah. They were leaning on Reggie's motorcycle, listening to the radio.

"Did you see the mess that went on all day, Mike?" Sarah asked.

"Nobody knows who caused it," Reggie said.

"A teddy bear my Aunt Beulah sent me," Mike said. "Aunt Kate popped in and she's tryin' to help us find it and stop it."

"A teddy bear?" Reggie asked. "How big?"

"About . . . . . eight to ten inches, I guess," Mike said. "Not very big."

"Oh, come on!"

"It's true! My Aunt Beulah is a witch, she lives in the other realm, and a lot of stuff that my relatives from the other realm send me are magical, and this teddy bear's no different."

"You're crazy. Oh, Mike, shut up, Jerry's show's coming on."

Jerry managed to get to the station with seven seconds to spare. He threw a record on and began playing it while he caught his breath.

"That teddy bear's gonna make me lose my energy," he said. He pushed the "on air" button and sucked up some air.

"Greetings and salutations ladies and gentlemen," he said, going his usual mile a minute. "It's the Geator with the Heator, the Boss with the Hot Sauce bringing you those oldies but goodies from yesterday. The best of the doo-wop and soul era, and a little more mixed in. Kicking off tonight, is the classic Frankie Lymon hit, 'Why Do Fools Fall In Love'."

Jerry turned on the record and sighed. He had to put it on one handed since he hadn't put on his headphones yet. He put them on and leaned back in his chair.

"Eesh," he said. "What a day. I can't believe I spent the bulk of it chasing a teddy bear."

There was a knock on the door while Jerry set up another record.

"Who is it?" he asked.

"Me," Mike's voice said. "Can I come in?"

"Oh, Mike. Great. Yeah, sure. Come on in."

The door opened. Jerry didn't bother to turn around. He had to get himself set up for the two hours he was on the air.

"Can you believe we've spent a whole day chasing after a teddy bear?" he asked. "Boy, I can't wait to find it. I'm dying to go after it with a pair of scissors and rip the stuffings out of that thing."

"Really?" Mike's voice asked.

"Yeah. Who would ever think that a teddy bear could cause destruction like that? I'm beginning to think it's going to take over the world."

"Oh really now?"


Jerry turned around, but didn't see anyone. Then he looked down to the floor. The teddy bear was standing there, smiling sneakily at the DJ, holding the wires from the headphones. Jerry slammed the "on air" button.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he said. "There will be a brief pause in the program due to the Emergency Broadcast System. This is not a test!"

Jerry pushed the button, leaving Reggie, Sarah, and Mike confused.

"Somethin' weird's goin' on," Mike said.

Sarah and Reggie just looked at each other. They figured it was a plug for a new radio show. Mike was ready to go down to the radio station to try and figure this thing out.

"Hold it, Mike," Reggie said, grabbing Mike's arm. "Let's wait and see what happens."

The signal stopped. Jerry's voice came back on over the radio.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we're experiencing technical difficulties," he said. "We'll put on a couple of commercials for a little bit, and be back before you know it."

"See?" Reggie said. "Technical difficulties."

"Nothing to worry about, Mike," Sarah said.

"Well, I don't know," Mike replied, thinking it over. "My sixth sense is actin' up. Somethin's not quite right here."

Mike's sixth sense had a good reason to act up. The teddy bear had taken over the booth Jerry was broadcasting in. The bear was pushing all the buttons, knocking Jerry's records off the table, so on and so on, and he had Jerry tied to the chair with the wires. He also had a scarf tied in his mouth.

"This is only the beginning," the teddy bear said, pushing the chair over to the closet. He shoved Jerry inside, closed the door, and locked it. "And there's nothing you can do about it!"

The teddy bear jumped up to the microphone and pushed the "on air" button.

"Teddy bears and all children's toys of the world unite," he said. "It's time we break free from our toy box prisons! It's time for a world take over! The world will be ours! Ha, ha, ha, ha! This message was brought to you by Roosevelt. Soon to be ruler of the world!"

Then, the teddy bear ran off. Jerry writhed against the wires, but he couldn't break loose, so he desperately tried calling out for help, but that didn't work out very well, either. An hour went by. All that was on the air was dead air. Absolutely nothing!

"I've never known Jerry to leave dead air on long," Reggie said.

"I think something weird's going on," Sarah said. "I don't think anybody would listen to a radio program about teddy bears taking over the world."

"We'd better get to the radio station," Mike said.

"Hop on, Mike," Reggie said. Mike hopped on the motorcycle. Sarah was sitting in the side car, and the three of them took off to the radio station. When they arrived, they found the room ransacked.

"What a mess!" Mike shouted. "I wonder where Jerry is?"

"Probably taking a bathroom break or something," Sarah said.

"For an hour?" Reggie asked. Sarah shrugged. Then they heard some muffled shouting coming from the closet.

"Somebody's in there," Sarah said. She tried opening the door, but it was locked.

"I'll open it," Mike said. He backed up, and then ran for the door, kicking it open. Sarah was the first to go in. Reggie was behind her, and Mike was behind him. The three of them gasped.

"Jerry!" they shouted. Jerry yelled something, but they couldn't tell what, since there was a gag in his mouth.  Mike promptly removed it.

"Thanks," Jerry said. "I'd thought I'd never get that thing out of my mouth."

"What happened?" Mike asked.

"That darn teddy bear of yours tied me up, gagged me, and locked me in the closet," Jerry explained. "Then, he announced his world domination scheme. We've got to stop him."

"We know," Reggie said. "We heard all about it on the air. Mike, I'm sorry I didn't believe you about the teddy bear."

"It's all right," Mike said. "We'd better go talk to Aunt Kate about this."

Mike, Sarah, and Reggie started to leave the station.

"Hey, guys," Jerry said. "I think you forgot one small detail."

"What?" Sarah asked.


"Oh, sorry."

Sarah, Mike, and Reggie went back and untied Jerry. Then they left the station to tell Kate what they had just found out. She wasn't too surprised.

"I had a feelin' this would happen," Kate said. "We'd better go to Rampart."

"Why?" Mike said, groaning. If he went over to Rampart, he'd probably run into Dr. Brackett, and the two of them would be arguing all night long.

"It's in the center of town," Kate said. "Besides, the teddy bear is probably going to use brute force on somebody and hurt them."

Mike groaned, but went to Rampart with the others anyway. They found Dr. Brackett in an examining room, going over some charts.

"Hey, doc," Mike said.

"What are you doing here, Nesmith?" Dr. Brackett asked.

"Has there been anyone comin' in sayin' they've been attacked by a teddy bear?"

"A what?!"

"A teddy bear. See, my Aunt Beulah, who still thinks I'm three years old, sent me a teddy bear and it's been wreakin' havoc all along LA. Now, it and all the other teddy bears of the world are gonna take it over. Along with all the toys of the world."

"Mike, I think you've been out in the sun too long."

"Dr. Brackett!" Mike's stepmother, Carole, shouted, running into the room. Lynn and Dixie were behind her.

"Kel, we've got a problem in the children's wing," Lynn said.

"A teddy bear is holding two of the orderlies hostage," Dixie said. "He's threatening them with a jump rope."

"He said he was going to unite with all the toys in the world and take over the world," Carole said.

"Told ya," Mike said.

"I'm going to check this out," Dr. Brackett said.

"I'm comin' with you."


"It's my teddy bear and you'd get your butt whipped if I don't go along."

"Oh, all right."

Dr. Brackett, Mike, Lynn, Dixie, and Carole went down to the children's wing and looked. All the toys that were in the waiting room had somehow come to life.

"Whoa!" Lynn shouted.

"Oh man!" Mike groaned.

"Well if it isn't Mikey Nesmith come to play," the teddy bear said.

"Who are you, exactly, bear?" Mike asked.

"My name is Roosevelt. But you can call me master. I'm taking over this planet, and there's nothing you can do to stop me!"

"Yeah, but why take a couple of orderlies hostage?"

"It was a plot to get you here, Mikey Nesmith. Okay, troops! Attack!"

A toy helicopter began zooming down, throwing small pellets at Mike. Other toys began to hit him with their best shots.

"We've got to help him!" Carole shouted. Lynn nodded. She and Dixie ran to the door and opened it. Carole gave Roosevelt a good kick, and he sailed out the door.

"Retreat!" he shouted. "Follow me, toys! This isn't finished yet, Mikey Nesmith!"

Roosevelt and his troops of toys took off. Mike breathed of relief.

"Mikey?" Dr. Brackett asked.

"That's what Aunt Beulah calls me," Mike explained. "I can't stand that nickname, and if you call me Mikey, Brackett, I'll turn you into a mouse and sic Micky's cat on you."

Dr. Brackett gulped. 

"This will be the center of operation," Kate said. "Michael and I give the orders. Understood?"

"Yes ma'am!" Lynn shouted, saluting.

"What are we gonna do about the teddy bears?" Carole asked.

"We're thinkin', Carole, we're thinkin'," Mike said.

Mike would have to do a lot of thinking. The teddy bears were wreaking havoc at the pad again.

"Why can't they bother someone else?" Micky asked. Roosevelt smiled and held a pair of scissors.

"Hey, fuzzy!" he shouted. "C'mere."

"Wha?" Micky asked. In a lightning quick move, Roosevelt reduced Micky's unruly curls into how it looked back when he first joined the Monkees.

"What did you do to my hair?!" he shrieked.

"Hoo ha, ha, ha!" Roosevelt laughed. Then he pulled out Groucho Marx glasses and a container of super glue. He dumped the glue all over the glasses and then jumped into Davy's arms.

"Happy birthday, Pretty Boy!" he shouted, and stuck the Groucho Marx glasses on Davy, and he couldn't get them off.

"They're stuck!" he shouted.

"Maybe Dr. Brackett can get them off," Micky said. "Let's go over to Rampart." 

"Women and Groucho Marx first," Davy added as he led the way.

Roosevelt and his troops of teddy bears laughed. Everything was according to plan. Their next phase was to destroy Mike's center of operation: Rampart General Hospital. Mike was trying to think of a way to stop the teddy bears. He began pacing back and forth. Reggie was thinking too, and in the distance, he heard drumming.

"What the heck is that?" Reggie asked. He looked out the window, and saw a fleet of teddy bears marching at them.

"Uh oh," Reggie said. "Hey, Mike!"

"What?" Mike asked.


Jerry was closer to the window than Mike was, so he looked. His eyes grew wide and he gulped.

"What?" Mike asked. Jerry just gulped.

"Let me see," Lynn said. She looked and she too gulped!

"Would someone mind tellin' me what 'gulp' is?!" Mike shouted. Lynn and Jerry just merely pointed out the window, and gulped again. Mike groaned and looked. He saw the teddy bears coming in, and they all sort of resembled Theodore Roosevelt. Of course, Mike gulped.

The teddy bears were marching in, just as Micky and Davy arrived at Rampart. Roosevelt blew his whistle, and lumberjack teddy bears came onto the scene with their axes and began to chop away at the building. The group was on the top floor of the building, so they couldn't see the lumberjacks, but they felt their axes! With every swing of the ax, the building would shake!

"What was that?!" Reggie shouted.

"Maybe it's an earthquake," Drake asked.

"I don't think it's earthquake season," Peter said.

"Well, whatever it is," Jerry said, struggling to stay on his feet. "We're right in the middle of it!"

The lumberjack bears swung on and on. Peter looked out the window to see if the bears had anything to do with it, and he realized the ground was getting closer.

"We're falling!" he shouted.

"What?" Mike asked.

"Like a tree in the woods."

"Oh no!"

"TIMBER!" Fluey shouted.

CRASH! The entire building collapsed. Amazingly enough, no one was hurt. They climbed out of the mess, groaning, however. Davy and Micky were extremely dazed since they were on the first floor.

"Oh mylanta," Davy groaned.

"Anybody get the license number of that milk truck?" Mike asked, dazed. Phyllis groaned.

"Swell," she said. "He hit his head. And the last time that happened, his magic was gone."

"Wonderful," Kate said, sarcastically. "He'll either have to use his wits until his magic restores, or I'm gonna have to stop these bears."

"What are we going to do with the patients?" Carole asked.

"Kate, can you transport them to the medical center across town?" Dr. Brackett asked.

"Sure," Kate said.

Kate snapped her fingers and all the patients were transported to the medical center. Everybody regained their senses and stood up.

"What a bang," Reggie said.

The lumberjack bears came dancing along the edge, singing "Alleuette." The smallest one turned to the group, stuck his tongue out, and blew a raspberry. Then he caught up with the others. It wasn't over yet. The dust cleared, and there was an entire line of teddy bears that looked a heck of a lot like Theodore Roosevelt.

"CHARGE!" they shouted. They ran toward our heroes.

"RUN!" Mike shouted. Everybody ran, except Jerry.

"We speak softly," the bears said. "But we carry a big stick!"

"You have got to be kidding," Jerry said, giving the bears a Look.

One of the bears took his big stick and whacked Jerry's foot with it, as hard as he could.

"AAAAHHHH!" Jerry screamed, clutching his foot, jumping up and down, screaming. "Ooh! Man! That hurt!"

Jerry began to blurt out curses, only they were in Italian. Mike and Lynn ran to him.

"Are you all right?" Mike asked.

"I think those little monsters broke my foot!" Jerry shouted.

"We'll go down to the medical center and fix it," Lynn said. "It isn't too far from here."

Jerry nodded and leaned on Lynn and Mike for support. The Theodore Roosevelt bears charged the others. Kate snapped her fingers and a brick wall dropped down from the sky, blocking the bears.

"Great going, Kate!" Micky shouted.

"Hopefully it'll buy us some time to run," Kate said. "Let's go!"

Everybody ran to the medical center. A lot of nurses were looking after the patients. Two or three of them were injured when Rampart collapsed. Lynn was busy putting a cast on Jerry's foot.

"You want to keep your weight off your foot," Lynn said, handing him a pair of crutches. "And whatever you do, don't get the cast wet, or you'll be hearing from me."

"Got it," Jerry said, and he hobbled off. Dr. Brackett turned to Mike.

"Tell me something," he said. "Does your aunt Beulah like you?"

"If she sends me a teddy bear bent on world domination, I guess not," Mike answered. "Aunt Kate, can't you talk to her?"

"I'm gonna go do that right now," Kate said. Then she snapped her fingers. Smoke filled the room, and everyone coughed and waved it away.

"I hate it when she does that," Mike said.

Things began to get calm. Quacky went to get some coffee to settle his nerves. Micky was way ahead of him. Reggie and Davy were with them. Reggie was trying to pry the Groucho glasses off of his face. Quacky sat down at the table, and looked at Micky. Micky looked back at him.

"What happened to your hair?!" they shouted in perfect unison. "Those little beasts cut it!"

"You too, huh?" Micky asked. "Well, I hope this whole thing blows over. I hate this haircut."

"Maybe Mike will grow it back when all this is over." Quacky nodded.

"OW!"  Davy cried as Reggie finally got the glasses off him.  "Thanks, mate, I needed that."

"No problem,"  Reggie replied as he tossed the glasses aside.  "At least we got one thing taken care of."

Moments later, things were just crazy. Jerry and Davy were on the roof with binoculars, watching for Roosevelt and his troops. Jerry caught sight of the bears blowing up the Screen Gems studio.

"Whoa," he said. "These bears mean business."

"Keep an eye out," Davy said. "I'll tell Mike!"

Jerry nodded. The bears turned around and began heading for the medical center.

"Wait up, Davy!" he shouted, and did his best to go back inside. He managed to catch up with Davy and both of them began to shout,

"The bears are coming! The bears are coming!"

"Correct me if I'm wrong," Sarah said. "But isn't that supposed to be the British are coming?"

"No!" Davy shouted. "The bears ah back!"

"And they're headed this way!" Jerry shouted.

"I'll handle this," Dr. Brackett said. Mike, Carole, and Dixie followed him.

"Doc, you can't face 'em," Mike said. "They speak softly, but they carry a big stick, remember? Did you see what they did to Jerry's foot? Besides, their big stick is practically the size of a sequoia!"

"Nesmith, if you're not gonna help, stay inside," Dr. Brackett said.

The bears marched to the opening of the medical center. Dr. Brackett stood there, growling.

"Give up while you can, bears!" he shouted.

"We speak softly," the Teddy Roosevelt look-alikes said. "But we carry a big stick!"

With that, one of the bears whacked Dr. Brackett's hand with the stick. Dr. Brackett's hand was broken, like Jerry's foot!

"EEEOWWWW!" Dr. Brackett screamed.

"Uh, doc, are you okay?" Mike asked.


"Uh, Kel," Dixie said. "I think you need a rest. We'll fix your hand. There's nothing to worry about."

Dr. Brackett nodded. Mike was practically in shock. Never in his life had he seen Dr. Brackett freak out like that. They went back inside and set Dr. Brackett's hand.

"There's still the problem of the bears," Mike said.

"Zap 'em for heaven's sake!" Sarah shouted.

"Can't," Mike said. "Battery's busted."

"Just the words I've been waiting for, Mikey Nesmith!" Roosevelt shouted. "And Auntie Kate isn't here to help you!"

"We speak softly, but we carry a big stick!" the troops shouted. Just then, Jerry got an idea.

"Oh yeah?" he said, mischievous look in his eyes. "Well, I speak loudly, and I carry a bigger stick."

Jerry whacked one of the bears with one of his crutches. Then he threw one aside and balanced as best he could. He used the other one as a golf club.

"Fore!" he shouted, hitting the bear like a golf ball. He sailed into the next county!

"All right, Jerry!" Davy shouted. The other bears began to charge. Jerry just whacked them like golf balls. However, one of them was a little smarter. He kicked Jerry's crutch and he fell.

"Rats!" he shouted.

"Prepare to surrender, big mouth!" the bear shouted.

"I'm not licked yet!"

The bear came forward. Jerry had one other plan up his sleeve, although he knew it was going to hurt. He glared, bent his knee and then thrust his foot at the bear as hard as he could. Due to the heavy cast, and the force of Jerry's kick, the bear was sent into the next continent!

"Groovy!" Micky shouted. "That was a great idea, Jer!"

"Way to go!" Sarah exclaimed.

"Smashing!" Davy shouted.

"Even I couldn't have done it better, man," Mike said.

"That was so cool," Fluey said. "Reminded me of a karate move."

"That must've hurt, though," Reggie said. "What with kicking that bear with your cast."

"Ha, no big deal," Jerry said, grabbing his crutches. When he knew the others weren't looking, a pained expression came over his face, and he groaned and gnashed his teeth together.

"We're not done yet, Mikey Nesmith!" Roosevelt shouted. He blew on a whistle and a fleet of tin soldiers, helicopters, airplanes, tanks, and all other assorted toys came out.

"If we all split up, it'll make it harder for them to catch us," Mike said. "Carole, you, Dixie, Lynn, and Dr. Brackett stay here and take care of the patients. Fluey, you stay here too."

"Why me?" Fluey asked.

"You're too young, shotgun. This could be dangerous."

"Too young?! Too young?! Mike, I'm sixteen years old, I have a green belt in karate, and you already know I have a better right hook than you!"

"Sorry, shotgun. But this is a little too dangerous even for a green belt."

Fluey groaned. He'd go along with the plan, but he wouldn't like it. First of all, everybody led the toys away from the medical center so they couldn't do any damage to any patients. That worked. Then every split up. Reggie and Micky were trying to avoid being clobbered by the Teddy Roosevelt Troop's big sticks.

"Ha! Missed!" Reggie shouted. The bears swung. "Missed again! Oh boy, I hope my contacts don't fall out with all this jumping around I'm doing!"

"Missed me!" Micky teased. "Is that the best you bears can do?!"

The bears swung around for a long time. But Reggie and Micky were fast, that was for sure. The bears finally tired out and ran off. Reggie and Micky ran after the bears. Jerry and Davy weren't having much luck escaping the tin soldiers. The bayonets they were using were sharp!

"We've got to move a little fastah or we're shish kebob!" Davy shouted. "Come on, Jerry! Put on some speed!"

"Put on some speed, he says," Jerry said. "Try having a teddy bear hit your foot with a stick the size of a sycamore, and see how fast you run!"

Davy just shrugged. He was getting away from the soldiers fine. Jerry was having the problems! It wasn't easy running with crutches, that was for sure! The two of them reached a dead end.

"What do we do now?" Davy asked. Jerry noticed they were up against a fence.

"Climb over the fence!" he shouted.

Davy nodded and climbed. Then he helped Jerry over. The two of them were now in some kind of backyard with a large pool. Of course, the tin soldiers marched directly through the fence.

"Good plan," Davy said, sarcastically. "What's next, fearless leadah?"

"Well, we either jump into the pool," Jerry said. "Or we become Monkee and Geator shish kebob. Take your pick."

"Why would jumping into the pool 'elp us?"

"Tin rusts, Davy."

"Oh. Well, uhh, what do you say?"

"I say Geronimo!"

Jerry pinched his nose shut and jumped into the pool. Davy looked at the pool and then the soldiers. He shrugged and pinched his nose shut as well.

"Sitting bull!" he screamed and jumped. The tin soldiers stopped dead in their tracks.

"They went into the pool. Sir!" one shouted.

"We can't go in after them. Sir!" another shouted. "We'll rust. Sir!"

"Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!" Davy and Jerry taunted. "Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!"

The two of them started laughing and the soldiers marched away.

"Yyyess!" Davy shouted. "Anothah brilliant move, Geatah. I don't know 'ow you do it!"

"I've been hanging around Mike a lot," Jerry said. "I tell you, he gets the greatest ideas whenever he's in a scrape."

Davy laughed. This was just the sort of thing that could build a friendship for him and Jerry. The two of them don't really get along due to the mixed gender rock-a-thon contest, which was a long time ago. They were still floating in the pool, laughing about the tin soldiers, they failed to notice an inflatable shark (cue the Jaws theme!) Jerry felt something was in the water with them, so he turned around, saw the fin, and gasped.

"SHARK!" he screeched, and high tailed it out of the pool. The minute he jumped out, he crashed into a deck chair and fell.

"Wha?" Davy asked, giving Jerry a funny look. Then, something out of the ordinary happened.


"YEEEOOOOWWWWW!" Davy shrieked. The inflatable shark at bitten him in the butt!

"That shark just bit me in the bum!" he shouted.

"Yeah," Jerry said. "And I think he liked how you tasted. Come on. We'd better get out of here before he considers you the main course!"

The two of them ran off the best they could. They went back to the medical center. Lynn was drinking coffee, wondering when it would all end.

"Lynn! We have a problem!" Jerry shouted.

"What is it?" Lynn asked, turning around. Then she gasped. Both Davy and Jerry were soaked.

"Didn't I tell you not to get the cast wet?!" she reprimanded as she reapplied the cast on Jerry's foot.

"Hey," Jerry said. "I was faced with a tough decision. Jump into the pool and get chewed out for getting the cast wet, or become Geator shish kebob."

"I think I would 'ave preferred it if 'e became Geatah shish kebob," Davy muttered. Jerry heard him and glared at him.

"Oh, shut up, Shark Bait!" he shouted.

"Shark Bait?" Lynn asked, giving Davy a funny look.

"Yeah, a shark bit me in the bum!" Davy shouted.

Lynn gave him a weird look.

"Yee-ah,"  she added.  "Okay." Then she got to work patching up Davy's bum.

It was becoming harder to out run the teddy bears. Mike and Phyllis were being chased into a building. They ran to the roof, and shut the door that led the stairs to the roof. Of course, the teddy bears tried to break it down.

"What do we do now?" Phyllis asked.

"I guess we have to jump," Mike said.

"Jump?! We've got to be twenty stories up! I think I'd rather take my chances with the teddy bears."

The bears suddenly burst through the door. Mike gulped, grabbed Phyllis's hand, and jumped.

"I hope you know what you're doing!" Phyllis shouted.

"Trust me!" Mike yelled. He snapped his fingers and a trampoline appeared out of nowhere. He and Phyllis landed on that and bounced back up to the roof.

"Hiya, bear," Mike said to Roosevelt.

"Huh?" Roosevelt asked.

"You know you forgot one minute detail."


"I'm taller than you, and I'm a heck of a lot stronger than you!"

"I was hoping he'd never figure that out!"

Mike grabbed the teddy bear and put it in a headlock. Then he and Phyllis took him down to the ground floor. Roosevelt choked.

"Give me back my hat!" Mike demanded. Roosevelt coughed it up. "And anythin' else that you've eaten that you shouldn't have!"

Roosevelt coughed up a pen, some needles from Rampart, a motorcycle helmet, a fireman's helmet, a CD player, a bookshelf, the complete works of William Shakespeare, a movie projector, a television set, a deck of cards, a table, five paintings, a grand piano, a school bus, a fire engine, a minivan, a football arena, the San Francisco Forty-Niners, the San Diego Chargers, the Dallas Cowboys, the Washington Redskins, the Philadelphia Eagles, an elephant, a giraffe, a globe, a map of San Francisco, a stack of magazines, thirty-five record albums, twenty-seven CD's, a television camera, the NBC peacock logo, a Mickey Mouse costume directly from Disney Land, the tracks to Space Mountain, Splash Mountain (the entire thing), Mike's motorcycle, Reggie's Harley Davidson, a frog, a toad, twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, (start singing here) fiiiiive golden rings! Four calling bids, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree!

"Is that all?" Mike asked.

"He's eaten everything but the kitchen sink!" Phyllis shouted.

"One minute," Roosevelt said. He let out a belch, and a kitchen sink came flying out.

"Okay," Mike said, letting Roosevelt go. "He's eaten everything!"

"You just made a goof, Mikey Nesmith!" Roosevelt shouted. He whistled, and a teddy bear arrived, and he looked like Count Dracula.

"I vant to bite your neck!" he shouted, revealing fangs.

"RUN!" Mike yelled. He and Phyllis took off. They made it back to the medical center in one piece.

"I need to hit it with the magic, you guys," he said. "I think my power's back, so let's go!"

Mike started to make a run over to the scene of the last crime. The others followed. Everyone looked at the pile of stuff in the middle of the road.

"What the heck is all that?" Jerry asked.

"Roosevelt's dinner," Mike answered.

"It looks like he ate everything but the kitchen sink!"

"He did. You just can't see it."


"Well, well, well," Roosevelt said. "Mikey Nesmith has come back to play!"

"So have the rest of us!" Davy shouted. He picked up a pole laying on the ground and thrust it at the bears.

"Take this!" Peter yelled, throwing some of the records that were there at Roosevelt, like they were frisbees.

Their attacks sent Roosevelt and his troops of teddy bears into the wall. But Roosevelt wasn't licked yet. He blew on a whistle, and the teddy bears attacked the boys. They did their best to hold them off. The teddy bears somehow threw the records right back at them. They hit them both in the head.

"Ow!" Davy shouted.

"Double ow!" Peter yelled. He and Davy just sat there, too dazed to move. The others gulped.

Reggie stepped up to the bears, and pried the tire off one of the motorcycles. He threw it at them like it was a bowling ball, but the bears sent it right back, and it ran over Reggie.

"Strike!" Reggie shouted, dazed.

Quacky picked up a book and threw it. Again the bears sent it back. Quacky was flung into the side of a building. The teddy bears laughed and stuck them to the side of it with silly string. They could barely move.

"Oh brother, what a sticky situation!" Reggie shouted. "Mick! Do something!"

Micky and Drake picked up some of the knick knacks Roosevelt had eaten and began throwing them. The teddy bears were a little too smart for these two. Again they sent the stuff back at the boys. They were knocked the ground, dazed. Fluey was up next.

"Hiya!" he shouted, ready to kick them into the next county.

Roosevelt yawned and twirled a jump rope. He then threw it like a lasso. It encircled Fluey, Davy, Micky, Peter, and Drake. Now it was down to two.

"We're on, Geator," Mike said. "Do your stuff."

"Right, Mike," Jerry said. He hurled a record, like Peter had, only harder.

Roosevelt just laughed. He blew his whistle and a teddy bear dressed as a cowboy twirled a jump rope over his head like it was a lasso. He threw it, and encircled him, and Mike.

"Uh oh," Jerry said.

"Oh boy," Mike groaned.

The cowboy teddy bear then wound the jump rope around Mike and Jerry, tying them up. The two of them writhed to break free. The cowboy bear laughed and pushed them to the ground.

"Whoooaaa!" the boys screamed as they fell. They landed with a thud, and still trying to break out, but it was no use.

"It's too tight!" Jerry shouted.

"What are we gonna do now?" Mike asked.

"How do you like them apples?" Roosevelt said. "You did this to me, Mikey Nesmith!"

"I did?" Mike asked. "How?"

"You rejected me! Do you know what rejection does to a teddy bear, Mikey Nesmith?!"

"Obviously makes them inti psychos who want to take over the world," Jerry said, rolling his eyes.

"You shut up, big mouth!" Roosevelt said. "You should have kept me around and played with me, Mikey Nesmith! Then you and big mouth wouldn't be in this situation!"

"Okay, you caught us," Mike said. "Now what are you gonna do with us?"

"Destroy you all," Roosevelt said. "One by one. And you're going to be the last to go, Mikey Nesmith, so you can see your friends say bye-bye!"

Mike and Jerry looked at each other. The others couldn't do much, either.

"Now what are we gonna do?!" Mike shouted.

"Looks like we're toast!" Jerry shouted.

"Soitainly!" one of the teddy bears shouted, like Curly on The Three Stooges. "Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!"

The others looked at each other. There wasn't anything they could do. The only thing that would help them was Mike's magic, but it didn't look like he'd be able to do anything any time soon.

Just then, Mike had an idea. He began thinking about the kitchen sink Roosevelt had eaten. He concentrated hard on it, until it started to move. It rose into the air, and a shadow fell upon Roosevelt.

"Oh no," Roosevelt groaned. The sink came crashing down on him.


"Whoa," Jerry said. "How did you do that?"

Mike didn't answer right away. He closed his eyes and concentrated, and managed to untie himself and Jerry without even having to lift a finger. He stood up, and smiled.

"Mental telepathy," he said.

Mike walked over to the sink and pulled it off Roosevelt. He staggered around, a bit dazed. He looked up at Mike, and saw him cracking his knuckles.

"I think I'm in trouble."

"You got it!" Mike shouted, standing up. He concentrated as hard as he could, and looked at Roosevelt.

Mike pulled out all the stops and blasted Roosevelt with all the magic he could muster. The teddy bear screamed.

"This can't happen!" he shouted. "I was so close to taking over the world! So close! Arrrgghhhh!"


The entire fleet of teddy bears exploded. They all went to pieces, stuffing flying, eyes, noses and appendages falling to the ground (it's not that gross. These are stuffed animals for pity's sake!) And thanks to the explosion, everyone fell off their feet. Every single one of them were dazed to death!

"Teddy go boom," Peter said.

"What a bang," Reggie groaned.

"Anybody get the license number of that truck?" Jerry asked. Then he shook his head to regain his senses. "Reg, I've got to agree with you."

"What?" Reggie asked.

"What a bang!"

Some more smoke appeared. Reggie and Jerry coughed and waved it away.

"Kate, I'm gonna tell you this now," Reggie said. "These surprise entrances of yours are starting to get on my nerves."

"Sorry," Kate said. "What happened?"

"I got rid of the teddy bear brigade," Mike answered, barely able to stand up. "And I think I nearly killed myself in the process."

"Why's that?"

"I used all the magic I had in my system, and now I feel like I'm gonna drop dead!"

With that, Mike fainted. Jerry caught him before he hit the ground, however. They took him back to the medical center, but no one was there.

"Rampart got restored," Valerie said. 

"As well as my hair,"  Micky added.

"And yours, Quacky-baby," Davy said.

"Thank goodness!" Quacky shouted.

"Yeah, great," Jerry said. "Uh, can we get back to Rampart? I don't think I can hold onto our fearless leader much longer, you know! My arms are gonna fall off!"

Kate transported the group to Rampart post haste. Mike woke up twenty minutes later and looked around.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Once the teddy bears were destroyed," Davy explained. "Everything was restored."

"Including my foot and Dr. Brackett's hand," Jerry said. "How are you feeling?"

"Wiped out," Mike said. "Those powers take a lot out of me. By the way, Aunt Kate, did you talk to Aunt Beulah?"

"I did," Kate said. "She said she was surprised the bear tried to take over the world. They only do that when someone rejects it or refuses to play with it. Or if it's a gift to a mortal, they forget to check out tags and things like that. All witch bears have warning labels on them somewhere."

"I never knew that. Why's Aunt Beulah so surprised?"

"She thought you would love it!"

"Oh good god, she still thinks I'm three-years-old! Someone should tell her I've aged twenty years!"

Everybody laughed. It was the end of another adventure for the Monkees, the Mallards, and their friends. They would never have to worry about another teddy bear taking over the world. But be warned. If you ever buy a teddy bear or receive a teddy bear as a gift, check all the labels and tags. One might just try to take over the world when you're not looking!

The End