AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is something I wrote a couple of years back. My original version of the story got deleted, which, quite frankly, I'm glad for, because now this gives me a chance to do some major cast changes, and to put in more songs from various sources, like "The Muppet Christmas Carol," "Scrooge," and various other Christmas songs. Like my original story, this is in script format, since my characters play different parts in this, as opposed to themselves, like in all my other "movies." Also, I'm sure Charles Dickens would beat the dickens out of me if he were able to read this. I butcher his classic somethin' awful!
CAST:
Ebenezer Scrooge: Bob Rafelsen
Bob Cratchit: Mike Nesmith
Jacob Marley: Will Westerman
Ghost of Christmas Past: Valerie Cartwright
Ghost of Christmas Present: Micky Dolenz
Ghost of Christmas Future: Jerry Blavat
Nephew Fred: Reggie Bushroot
Tiny Tim: Leland Lizard
Mrs. Cratchit/Mrs. Fezziwig: Phyllis Nesmith
Mr. Fezziwig: Ken Mills
Isabel: Camille Chameleon
Tom Jenkins: Quackerjack Quackerwitz
Poor Collectors: Peter Tork, Drake Mallard
Cratchit Children: Fluey McAlister, Julie Olsen
Fred's Wife: Sarah Phoenix
Party Guests/Crowd: Davy Jones, Multi Mills, Coiley Collins, Shawn Smith, Linda Blavat, Lynn Dova, and the Maple Leaf Elementary School Children's Chorus
NOTE: The rest of the cast (minus Bob Rafelsen) is part of the chorus and crowd scenes as well.
(England, Christmas Eve in the 1800's. The entire cast is out in the streets, doing some shopping, or talking to passerbys. Members of a chorus are standing on a street corner, singing)
Chorus: God rest ye merry
gentlemen
May nothing you dismay
Remember Christ our savoir
Was born on Christmas Day
To save us all from Satan's
power
When we were gone astray
Oh tidings of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy
Oh tidings of comfort and joy
Davy: 'Ey, cool it, everyone. 'Ere comes ol' Mr. Humbug 'imself.
(Chorus departs as Bob comes walking down the street, scowling. Everyone stands aside to get out of his way.)
Bob: Bah. Humbug.
(continues down the street. Everyone he passes gets out of his way. He comes to a cart where Quackerjack is standing. Quackerjack sees him, looks nervous for a second or so, and then pours some broth into a cup, and turns to Bob)
Quackerjack: (holding up the cup) Good day, to you, Mr. Scrooge. Here's a nice, hot cup of broth for you, compliments of Tom Jenkins, for your kindess and generosity. (Bob gives him a Look)
Bob: You've got the payment for me, Jenkins?
Quackerjack: Not yet, sir, but if you'll give me another two weeks to pay . . . .
Bob: One week.
Quackerjack: Ten days?
Bob: One week.
Quackerjack: One week.
Bob: Good. Not one day later, too. And get that slop out of my face! Bleeeccchhh!
(Bob stalks off. Quackerjack puts the cup down and watches him go, glaring at him. Camille comes up to the cart and looks at Quackerjack. He looks at Camille and begins singing)
Quackerjack: When a cold wind blows it chills you
Chills you to the bone
Camille: But there's nothing in nature that freezes your heart
Like years of being alone
Drake: It paints you with indifference
Like a lady paints with rouge
Ken: And the worst of the worst
Sarah: The most hated and cursed
Ken: Is the one that we call Scrooge
Fluey: Unkind as any
Multi: And the wrath of many
Fluey: This is Ebenezer Scrooge
All: Oh there goes Mr. Humbug
There goes Mr. Grim
If they gave a prize for being mean
The winner would be him
Davy and Micky: Ol' Scroogey loves his money 'cause
He thinks it gives him power
Kids: If he became a flavor
You can bet he would be sour!
Bleah!
(Kids hurl some tomatoes at Bob, but they miss him, as if they were trying to stay away from him)
Camille and Sarah: There goes Mr. Skin Flint
There goes Mr. Greed
Mike and Jerry: The undisputed master of
The underhanded deed
Peter and Valerie: He charges folks a fortune
For his dark and drafty houses
Us poor folk live in misery
Micky: It's even worse for mouses!
Girls: He must be so lonely
He must be so sad
He goes to extremes to
Convince us he's bad
He's really a victim of fear
And of pride
Look close and there must be
A sweet man inside
(Everyone pauses as Bob walks up to the girls singing on the street corner. He looks at them, and walks on, without so much as leaving any money for them)
Girls: Naaahhh
Lynn: Eh-eh!
Cast: There goes Mr. Outrage
There goes Mr. Sneer
Drake: He has no time for friends or fun
Jerry: His anger makes that clear
Mike: Don't ask him for a favor
'Cause his nastiness increases
Reggie: No crust of bread for those in need
Micky: No cheeses for those meeces
All: There goes Mr. Heartless
There goes Mr. Cruel
Micky and Reggie: He never gives, he only takes
He lets his hunger rule
Phyllis and Valerie: If being mean's a way of life
You practice and rehearse
Quackerjack: Then all that work is paying off
'Cause Scrooge is getting worse
All: Every day in every way
Scrooge is getting worse!
(Bob turns around and glares at all of them. Everyone begins to scatter.)
Bob: Bah. Humbug! (Before going inside, Bob looks up at the
sign of his counting house and knocks snow off it. The sign reads "Scrooge and
Marley," although Marley's name is crossed out) My old partner, Jacob
Marley. Dead seven years today. He was a good one. He robbed from the widows
and swindled the poor. In his will he left me enough money to pay for his
tombstone. (laughs) and I had him
buried at sea!
(Bob walks inside and sees Mike standing by a stove, holding a piece of coal in his hand. Mike hears the door, and whirls around)
Mike: Uhhh, good mornin', Mr. Scrooge!
Bob: Okay, Cratchit, just what were you planning on doing with that piece of coal?
Mike: Well, I was just tryin' to thaw out the ink. I was wonderin', Mr. Scrooge . . . . . uhh, maybe we could throw another piece of coal onto the fire? It's awfully cold in here.
Bob: How would you like to be suddenly . . . . . . (at the top of his lungs) UNEMPLOYED!
Mike: Oooh boy, it is hot in here today sir, isn't it?
Bob: Glad you see it my way, Cratchit. (sits down at his desk and begins writing) Now get to work.
Mike: (sits at his own desk) Speakin' of work, Mr. Scrooge, tomorrow's Christmas, and . . . . .
Bob: Don't bore me with details about Christmas, Cratchit. I've got work to do.
(Mike shrugs, and starts to work. As he's working, the door is flung open, and Reggie comes in, holding a wreath in one hand)
Reggie: Merry Christmas!
Bob: Bah, humbug!
Reggie: Christmas a humbug, Uncle Scrooge? I beg to differ with you.
Bob: Well, what's so merry about Christmas anyway? I say anyone who goes around with Merry Christmas on his lips should be boiled in his own Yorkshire pudding!
Reggie: I don't care what you say, Uncle Scrooge. I say Merry Christmas, so Merry Christmas!
Bob: Right of you to be merry. You're poor enough.
Reggie: Well, right of you to be miserable. You're rich enough.
(Before Bob can go on, the door opens, and Drake and Peter walk in)
Bob: Ahhh, customers! What can I do for you, gentlemen?
Drake: Sir, we're collecting for the impoverished and destitute.
Bob: (confused) For the what?
Peter: (tips his hat) We're collecting for the poor.
Reggie: Well, you're in luck! This man here happens to be very generous when dealing with donations for the poor.
Bob: (rolls his eyes) Oh brother. Aren't there any poor houses, or things like that?
Drake: Oh of course. Plenty of them.
Bob: Good. For a minute, I was worried. I don't make merry this time of the year.
Reggie: That's certainly true.
Bob: I can't afford to make idle people merry, either.
Reggie: (angrily) That is certainly not true!
Bob: (highly annoyed) Don't you have something to do?
Reggie: Sadly, I do. So, I will leave my donation, (drops a few coins into the cup Peter is holding) and leave you to make yours.
Mike: Merry Christmas, Fred.
Reggie: Merry Christmas, Bob. (Starts to go out the door, but then stops and turns back around) Oh, Uncle Scrooge, have Christmas dinner with me and Clara tomorrow.
Bob: Why ever did you get married?
Reggie: (shrugs) Because I fell in love. (hangs the wreath be brought on the doorknob, and then leaves)
Bob: Humbug. (continues to work, oblivious that Peter and Drake are still there. Drake clears his throat. Bob looks up, annoyed.) What?!
Drake: (slightly taken aback) Well, uhh, sir, about your donation. How much should we put you down for?
Bob: Nothing.
Drake: You wish to remain anonymous?
Bob: I wish to be left alone. The way I see it, my taxes go to pay for the poor houses and the prisons. The homeless should go there.
Drake: (shocked) But some would rather die!
Bob: If they'd rather die, they'd better go ahead and do it! And decrease the surplus population!
Drake: (looks at Peter) Well, come along, Peter. I can see we've taken up enough of Mr. Scrooge's time! (Peter nods and gives Bob his pouty look, and the two of them leave)
Bob: Bah, humbug.
(Scene shifts to later that evening. Mike is still working in his books, and the clock on the wall begins to chime seven. Mike finishes up a sentence, and closes the book. He gets up, and walks over to Bob's desk)
Mike: It's seven o' clock, Mr. Scrooge.
Bob: Correct, Cratchit. And I suppose you want the whole day off tomorrow?
Mike: You bet your bippy I do!
Bob: (looks up, angry) WHAT WAS THAT?!
Mike: (clears throat, nervously) I mean, I mean, yes sir. That's usually the custom.
Bob: Well . . . . . I'll give you have a day off. But I'll dock you half a day's pay, of course.
Mike: Of course.
Bob: Let's see, I pay you two shillings a day.
Mike: That's two shillings and a hay penny, sir.
Bob: Oh that's right. Yeah, I gave you that raise two years ago, when you started doing my laundry. Well, anyway, I got another bundle of shirts for you. No starch this time, okay?
Mike: Got it.
Bob: By the way. The clock on the wall is two minutes fast. (Mike makes a face, and starts going back to his books) Never mind those two minutes, Cratchit. You can go.
Mike: Thanks, Mr. Scrooge! You're really a kind person, you know that?
Bob: Never mind the mushy stuff, just go! But be here all the earlier the next day!
Mike: I will, I will. And a bah humbug . . . . . (stops for a moment and clears his throat) I mean Merry Christmas sir!
Bob: (after Mike leaves) Bah!
(Mike leaves the office and starts walking down the streets of London. He comes across a toy shop on the corner where Fluey, Leland, and Julie are waiting. Leland and Julie are looking in the window, admiring the toys. Mike walks up to them)
Mike: Well, children, here it is, Christmas Eve! Tell me, which toys do you like the best?
Julie: (points to a doll in the window) I like that doll there, Father.
Leland: I can't decide. I like them all.
Mike: Well, Tim, if you could choose just one, which one would it be?
Leland: Well, you said we can't have any. So why can't I like them all?
Fluey: He's got a good point there, Pop.
Mike: Yes, I guess he does. Well, come along, children. Let's get home for Christmas Eve dinner.
(The kids cheer. Mike picks up Leland and puts him on his shoulder, and begins to sing)
Mike: There's magic in the air
this evening
Magic in the air
The world is at her best, you know
When people love and care
The promise of excitement is one the night will keep
After all, there's only one more sleep til Christmas
The world has got a smile today
The world has got a glow
There's no such thing as strangers when
A stranger says "hello"
And everyone is family, we're having so much fun
After all, there's only one more sleep til Christmas
Tis the season to be jolly and joyous
With a burst of pleasure, we feel it arrive
Tis the season when the saints can employ us
To spread the news about peace and to keep love alive
There's something in the wind today
That's good for everyone
Yes, faith is in our hearts today
We're shining like the sun
And everyone can feel it, the feeling's running deep
After all, there's only one more sleep til Christmas
After all, there's only one more sleep til Christmas day
(Mike and the kids start walking down the street. Meanwhile, Bob exits the counting house and begins walking down the street himself. He ends up in the crowd of people all wishing each other "Merry Christmas" and things such as that. Bob is getting very annoyed at that. He passes Quackerjack)
Quackerjack: Merry Christmas, Mr. Scrooge, and a happy New Year!
Bob: What's merry about it, Jenkins? It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December twenty-fifth.
Quackerjack: Well, you don't have to be such a grouch about it!
Bob: I'm a grouch, am I? Hmph! (walks off, mumbling) Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. Hmph! I hope their Christmas trees have termites!
(Bob walks to his house, and
fiddles around, looking for his house keys. As he's doing that, the door
knocker begins to change on the door. It begins to take the shape of Mike's
uncle, Will Westerman, who's playing Jacob Marley in this production)
Will: (sort of moaning)
Scroooooooge!
Bob: (stunned) Jacob Marley?
No, it can't be! (reaches out to the door
knocker, and ends up tweaking it's nose)
Will: Ouch!
Bob: YIPES! (runs into the house,
and slams the door. Then he races up the stairs, and into his bedroom, locking
all the locks. He jumps onto a chair, leaving his walking stick on the floor)
Will: (coming in through the door)
Ebeneeeezer Scrooooge!
Bob: Go away!
Will: (walking towards Bob's
walking stick) Ebeneeezerrrr Scroo . . . . (trips over the cane and crash lands on the floor. Stands up, and glares
at Bob) You never change, Scrooge. You always had a habit of leaving your
junk laying around.
Bob: Jacob Marley? Is that . . . . is that you?
Will: Of course it is. Remember when I was alive, and I robbed the widows
and swindled the poor?
Bob: And all in the same day, too. You had a lot of class, Marley.
Will: Yes, I guess I did. (realizes
something) No! No, I was wrong! And as punishment, I have to wear these
chains to eternity!
Bob: You're kidding. But why? (Will
looks at Bob, and begins singing)
Will: I'm Marley I'm Marley
Avarice and greed
I took advantage of the poor
Just ignored the needy
I specialized in causing pain
Spreading fear and doubt
And if you could not pay the rent
I simply threw you out
I'm Marley I'm Marley
My heart was painted black
I should have known my evil deeds
Would put me in these shackles
Captive, bound,I'm double-ironed
Exhausted by the weight
As freedom comes from giving love
So, prison comes with hate
I'm Marley I'm Marley
I'm Marley I'm Marley
Doomed, Scrooge!
You're doomed for all time
Your future is a horror story
Written by your crime
Your chains are forged
By what you say and do
So, have your fun
When life is done
A nightmare waits for you
I'm Marley I'm Marley
I'm Marley I'm Marley
I'm Marley I'm Marley
And now it's time to part
To go back where they keep my kind
The wretched and the heartless
The news I shared has got you scared
I'm glad that I got through
So make amends and make some friends
The future's up to you
I'm Marley I'm Marley
I'm Marley I'm Marley
I'm Marley I'm Marley
CHANGE!
Bob: Change? Well, how do I change?
Will: Tonight, you'll be visited by three spirits. Listen to them. Do
what they say. Or your chains will be heavier than mine! Farewell, Ebenezer.
Farewell! (fades out through the door,
but Bob realizes something)
Bob: Marley! Watch out for that first . . . . . (next sound heard is Will tripping on the step, tumbling down it, and
crashing) Step.
(Scene shifts to Bob's bedroom. He's
looking all over the place for ghosts, and spirits, and what not. When he
doesn't see anything, he climbs into bed)
Bob: Spirits. Heh! (blows out
candle, and starts to go to sleep. As he's sleeping, a light fills the room.
Valerie comes in, and taps the bell on Bob's clock. Bob wakes up slightly) Huh?
Huh? What? (yawns, and goes back to sleep)
Valerie: (glares) Ahem! (rings bell again. Bob wakes up fully)
Well it's about time! I haven't got all night you know!
Bob: Who are you?!
Valerie: I'm the ghost of Christmas past.
Bob: Long past?
Valerie: No, your past. Come on, Scrooge. It's time to go.
Bob: Then go! (Valerie gives him a
Look, and opens the window) Hey, Spirit! What are you doing?
Valerie: We're going to visit your past!
Bob: (walks over to the window)
I'm not going out there! I'll fall!
Valerie: (taking Bob's hand) Just
hold on. (Bob squeezes her hand so hard, he
almost breaks the bones) Not too tight, though.
(Both Valerie and Bob fly out the
window, and through the sky, through a stream of bright lights. They end up at
a factory of some kind)
Bob: I think I know this place. (Bob
and Valerie land) This was my first job! Working for Mr. Fezziwig! (wipes fog off a window) I couldn't have
worked for a kinder man. (looks around
the room. Spots a young man sitting alone in the corner) Hey, over there in
the corner. That's me!
Valerie: Yes. That was before you became a miserable miser, consumed by
greed.
Bob: Well, nobody's perfect. (Valerie
gives a disgusted grunt. Bob continues looking around the room, and spots
Camille standing next to the mistletoe) And there! There's Isabel.
Camille: (walking over) Ebenezer?
Ebenezer!
Bob: (stands up) Yes, Isabel?
Camille: (drags Bob over to the
mistletoe) My eyes are closed, my lips are puckered, and I'm standing under
the mistletoe. (puckers up for a kiss,
but Bob is looking down)
Bob: You're also standing on my foot. (Camille looks down, gets off Bob's foot, and begins to dance with him.)
Ken: (coming up to the center of
the room, with Phyllis) Attention, attention everyone! Mrs. Fezziwig and I
are happy you all could come to our party. I'm sure we're all excited about
tomorrow!
Phyllis: (jokingly) And I'm
sure we all know what tomorrow is.
Crowd: December the twenty-fifth!
Ken: Correct! (begins singing)
Of all the days in all the year
That I'm familiar with
There's only one that's really fun
Crowd: December the twenty-fifth
Ken: Correct!
Phyllis: Ask anyone called Robinson
Or Brown or Jones or Smith
Their favorite day and they will say
Crowd: December the twenty-fifth
Phyllis: Correct!
All: December the twenty-fifth, me dears
December the twenty-fifth
The dearest day in all the year
December the twenty-fifth
Ken: At times we're glad to see the back
Of all our kin and kith
But there's a date we celebrate
Crowd: December the twenty-fifth!
Ken: Correct!
Phyllis: At times our friends may seem to be
Devoid of wit and pith
But all of us are humorous
Crowd: December the twenty-fifth!
Phyllis: Correct!
All: December the twenty-fifth, me dears
December the twenty-fifth
The dearest day in all the year
December the twenty-fifth
Ken: If there's a day in history
That's more than any myth
Beyond a doubt one day stands out
All: December the twenty-fifth
Ken: Correct!
Ken and Phyllis: I don't hear any arguments
So may I say forthwith
I wish that every day could be
Crowd: December the twenty-fifth
Ken and Phyllis: Correct!
All: December the twenty-fifth, me dears
December the twenty-fifth
The dearest day in all the year
December the twenty-fifth me, dears
December the twenty-fifth me, dears
December the twenty-fifth me, dears
December the twenty-fifth!
(Camille leans over at the end of
the dance and kisses Bob. Bob gets a dazed look on his face)
Bob: (outside with Valerie. Sighs)
I remember how much I was in love with that girl. (scene fades into the counting house)
Valerie: In ten years time, you learned to love something else.
Bob: Hey, it's my counting house.
(Bob looks over and sees himself stacking
a pile of coins on the desk)
Bob: Five thousand two hundred and seventy-two . . . . . five thousand
two hundred . . . .
Camille: Ebenezer?
Bob: Yes? What is it?
Camille: For years I've had this honeymoon cottage. I've been waiting for
you to keep your promise to marry me. Now, I must know, have you made your decision.
Bob: I have. (Camille looks at him
eagerly) Your last payment on the cottage was an hour late, and so I'm foreclosing
the mortgage.
(Camille looks crushed, and leaves
the counting house in tears)
Valerie: You loved your gold more than her, and you lost her forever.
Bob: (still counting his money)
Five thousand two hundred and seventy . . . . . . (Camille slams the door, and all the coins crash onto the desk.)
Three! (tosses coin over his shoulder)
Bob: (to Valerie) I can't stand
it any longer, Spirit! Take me home!
Valerie: Remember, Scrooge, you fashioned all these memories yourself.
(Valerie fades off, and Bob's clock
strikes two. Bob is mentally kicking himself after being shown that past)
Bob: Why was I so foolish! Why, why, why?!
(Bob is brought out of his thoughts
when he sees a light in the hallway. He gets out of bed to check it out. Micky
is sitting there, drinking egg nog, and eating Christmas cookies)
Micky: (looks up and sees Bob)
Hi! (grabs a handful of cookies and scarfs
them down)
Bob: Who are you?
Micky: (swallowing) I'm the Ghost
of Christmas Present!
Bob: Long present?
Micky: No, your present. There's no such thing as long present. (offers Bob a plate of cookies) Want
some?
Bob: Uhh, thanks. (takes a cookie
and bites into it. Then he looks around the room, and sees a whole mess of
Christmas goodies all around) You've got yourself quite a feast here,
Spirit. Christmas cookies, pies, cakes, egg nog . . . . .
Micky: (licking crumbs off his
fingers) Yeah! And don't forget the chocolate pot roast with pichmashio . .
. . . with mishmashio . . . . . with, uhh, with . . . . . uhh, with yogurt.
Bob: Where'd all this stuff come from?
Micky: From the heart, Scroogey-baby! It's the food of generosity.
Bob: Generosity! Hah! No one has ever shown me generosity!
Micky: You've never given them a chance! Come on! I'm gonna show you
Christmas present!
(Micky waves his hands, and the
scene shifts to the next day, Christmas morning. Everyone is out and about)
Micky: Scrooge, allow me to present, Christmas present. (begins to sing)
It's in the singing of a street corner choir
It's going home and getting warm by the fire
It's true wherever you find love
It feels like Christmas
A cup of kindness that we share with another
A sweet reunion with a friend or a brother
In all the places you find love
It feels like Christmas
It is the season of the heart
A special time of caring
The ways of love made clear
It is the season of the sprit
The message if we hear it
Is make it last all year
It's in the giving of a gift to another
A pair of mittens that were made by your mother
It's all the ways that we show love
That feel like Christmas
A part of childhood we'll always remember
It is the summer of the soul in December
Yes, when you do your best for love
It feels like Christmas
It is the season of the heart
A special time of caring
The ways of love made clear
It is the season of the sprit
The message if we hear it
Is make it last all year
It's in the singing of a street corner choir
It's going home and getting warm by the fire
It's true, wherever you find love
It feels like Christmas
It's true, wherever you find love
It feels like Christmas
It feels like Christmas
It feels like Christmas
It feels like Christmas
Bob: Yeah, yeah, yeah. (looks over
to a house) Hey, this is my nephew Fred's house!
Micky: Come on. Let's go see what he's up to.
(Bob and Micky go through the wall,
and inside the house, to find Reggie and Sarah entertaining a group of guests)
Sarah: Will we be seeing Uncle Scrooge today, Fred?
Reggie: Unfortunately, no. He declined my invitation.
Davy: I wouldn't expect that uncle of yours to come by any time soon. You
know what a penny pinching grouch 'e is. 'E 'ates Christmas!
Reggie: I know, I know. But one of these days, I am going to get him to
come to my Christmas party. After all, I'm the only family he's got!
Sarah: That's certainly true.
Reggie: Yes, well, to dear old Uncle Scrooge! (raises his glass, and everyone else follows suit)
Bob: You know, I haven't really thought of that.
Micky: Yeah, well. Come on. I've got something else to show you.
(Micky and Bob walk to another part
of town. Suddenly, day turns into evening, and the two are standing outside an
old, run down house)
Bob: Why did you bring me to this old shack?
Micky: This is the home of your overworked, underpaid employee, Bob
Cratchit.
(Bob looks in the window, and sees
Phyllis pull a very small bird out of the oven, and put it onto a plate)
Bob: What's she cookin'? A canary? Surely they have more food than that!
Look on the fire!
Micky: (looks in and sees a pot
boiling on the fire) Oh. That's your laundry.
(Phyllis puts the bird on the table.
Fluey and Julie race for the table ready to it, but Mike restores the order)
Mike: Whoa, hold it a second, kids! We've gotta wait for Tiny Tim, you
know. (Leland enters the room, leaning on
a crutch)
Leland: I'm coming, Father! (walks
over to the table and sits down in his place) Oh boy! Look at all the food!
We must thank Mr. Scrooge.
Mike: You're right. (raises his
glass) To Mr. Scrooge! The founder of the feast!
Phyllis: (bitterly) To Mr.
Scrooge, may he choke on his chestnuts!
Leland: But isn't Christmas the time of forgiveness, and peace on earth
and good will towards men?
Phyllis: (hesitantly) Well . .
. . . in light of the Christmas season, I guess I must drink to the health of
Mr. Scrooge. Even if he is odious, stingy, wicked, unfeeling, and badly
dressed.
Leland: To Mr. Scrooge, the founder of the feast.
Phyllis: (rolling her eyes) To
Mr. Scrooge, may he be very happy and merry today, no doubt.
Mike: Cheers.
Bob: (from outside) Hey Spirit,
what's wrong with Tiny Tim, anyway?
Micky: Much, I'm afraid. If these shadows remain unchanged, I see a chair,
where Tiny Tim once sat, and a crutch without an owner.
Bob: You mean Tim will . . . . .
Micky: Yep. But hey, if he's gonna die, he'd better do it and decrease
the surplus population.
Bob: But he can't die, I mean . . . . . (gets cut off as the lights in the window go out) Where did
everybody go? (looks around for Micky,
but sees that he disappeared) Hey Spirit! Come back! You have to tell me
about Tiny Tim! Where'd you go?!
(Smoke fills the air, and Bob chokes
on it. He turns around and sees a tall figure in all black, but he can't see
his face. Bob gasps)
Jerry: (in a very low rasp)
Ebenezer Scrooge!
(Jerry is about to go on, but ends
up choking on the smoke himself, resulting in a hacking cough, tripping, and
crash landing on the floor. Bob jumps back, alarmed)
Jerry: (sits up, pulls the hood
off, and takes off a pair of platform shoes) I don't know how they talked
me into this get up. (puts on a pair of
regular, black boots, and stands up)
Bob: Who are you?
Jerry: (leaning against the wall,
with his arms across his chest) Well, I could be the welcome wagon. But I'm
not. (raises arms in the air, and says
next line in a spooky sounding voice) I am the Ghost of Christmas Yet to
Come!
Bob: Is that anything like the future?
Jerry: (slightly annoyed) Yes.
Bob: Long future?
Jerry: (gives a sidelong glance to
the camera, and begins hitting Bob's head with his fist) Hello? Hello?
Anybody home? There's no such thing as long future! This is your future
Scrooge!
Bob: Well, if this is the future, then can you tell me what happens to
Tiny Tim?
Jerry: I'll get to that in due time. Come on. I've got something to show
you first.
(Bob follows Jerry to the counting
house where a large crowd has gathered. Quackerjack is standing in front of
them)
Quackerjack: Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today because we
are united by a common bond. Namely our feelings of gratitude to Mr. Ebenezer
Scrooge! (crowd cheers)
Bob: Is this the future? That's Tom Jenkins. He sells hot soup on the
streets. He owes me six pounds.
Jerry: (examining his fingernails)
You don't say.
Bob: He looks kinda happy for someone who's in debt. (looks around) Hey, all these people here
owe me money!
Quackerjack: We are all deeply moved. Those of us who've been in debt to
Mr. Scrooge will never forget what a rare and beautiful thing he has just done
for us. Three cheers for Mr. Scrooge!
Crowd: Hip, hip hooray! Hip, hip hooray! Hip, hip hooray!
Bob: What did I do? Well whatever it was that I did, they seem happy
about it! (climbs up to where Quackerjack
had been speaking) My friends, I thank you from the bottom of my heart! I
shall remember this moment until the day I die!
(crowd cheers as Quackerjack comes
out of the counting house, followed by Davy, Drake, Micky, and Peter, and
they're carrying a casket)
Bob: (oblivious to everything) Wow,
I never knew all of you cared!
Quackerjack: (rips pages out of
Scrooge's book, and crowd cheers) Ladies and gentlemen! (begins to sing)
On behalf of all the people who have assembled here
I would merely like to mention if I may
Crowd: You may!
Quackerjack: That our unanimous attitude
Is one of lasting gratitude
For what our friend has done for us today
And therefore, I would simply like to say
Thank you very much
Thank you very much
That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me
I may sound double Dutch
But my delight is such
I feel as if a losing war's
Been won for me
And if I had a flag, I'd hang me flag out
To add a sort of final victory touch
But since I left me flag at home
I'll simply have to say
Thank you very, very, very much
All: Thank you very, very, very much!
Quackerjack: Thank you very much
Thank you very much
That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me
It sounds a bit bizarre
But things the way they are
I feel as if another life's begun for me
All: And if I had a canon, I would fire it
To add a sort of celebration touch
But since I left me cannon and home
I'll simply have to say
Thank you very, very, very much
Thank you very, very, very much
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
And so says all of us!
All: Thank you very much
Thank you very much
That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me
It isn't every day
Good fortune comes me way
I never thought the future could be fun for me
And if . . . . .
Lynn: (spoken) Hey! You woke my
baby! Will you keep quiet?!
Quackerjack: Beg your pardon, lady! (group
resumes singing, but hushed slightly)
All: And if I had a bugle, I would blow it
To add a sort of hows your father touch
(resume singing at full voice)
But since I left me bugle at home
I'll simply have to say
Thank you very, very, very much
Thank you very, very, very much
Bob: (spoken) No, no my
friends! It's me who should be thanking you! (begins singing)
Thank you very much
Thank you very much
That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me
The future looks all right
In fact it looks so bright
I feel as if they're polishing the sun for me!
Crowd: And if I had a drum I'd have to bang it
To add a sort of rumty-tumty touch
But since I left me drummer at home
I'll simply have to say
Thank you very, very, very much
Thank you very, very, very much!
Bob: (continues along dancing like
a fool) Thank you very much! Thank you very much! That's the nicest . . . .
. . (Jerry clears his throat and gives
Bob a Look) What?
Jerry: Come on. We've got places to go, and people to see.
(Jerry waves his hand, and the
scene shifts to a graveyard. A very smoky graveyard at that. Bob coughs and
begins waving it away)
Bob: This is the graveyard.
Jerry: Yep. This is the graveyard all right.
Bob: Well . . . . . what are we doing here?
Jerry: (points into the distance)
You were the one who wanted to know what happened to Tiny Tim.
(Bob looks over at a small grave,
and the Cratchit family gathered around it. Mike solemnly puts a small crutch
on the grave, and walks off with Phyllis, Fluey, and Julie. Bob turns to Jerry)
Bob: Spirit, I didn't want this to happen! Please tell me these events
can be changed!
(Before Jerry answers, laughing is
heard in the distance. Ken and Multi are digging a grave, and laughing about it)
Ken: I've never seen a funeral quite like this one, have you?
Multi: That's for sure. No mourners, no friends, no nothing! He probably
never had any friends to begin with!
Ken: Right. Let's take a break before we get finished with this. After
all, he's not going anywhere!
(Both Ken and Multi laugh as they
walk off. Once they're gone, Bob and Jerry walk over to the grave they were
digging and look in)
Bob: Spirit, who's lonely grave is this? (Jerry snaps his fingers, and a light appears in front of the tombstone
to read "Ebenezer Scrooge")
Jerry: Yours, Ebenezer. The richest man in the cemetery!
(knocks Bob into the grave and
begins cackling madly. Bob is hanging onto a root and is begging for mercy)
Bob: Whoa, whoa wait a minute Spirit! I can change! I'll change! I'll
chaaaaaange!
(Bob plummets into the grave, and ends
up crashing on the floor of his own bedroom, tangled up in his bed sheets)
Bob: Spirit! Let me out! Let me out! I'll . . . . (realizes what's going on) Eh? I'm back in my own room. (runs to the window and throws it open)
It's Christmas morning! I haven't missed it! The spirits have given me another
chance! I know exactly what to do! (runs
around the room, getting himself together. He grabs his top hat, coat and
scarf, and starts running down the stairs. A few moments later, he runs back up)
I can't go out like this! (grabs a cane
from the umbrella stand) That's better.
(Bob rushes outside, right in front
of Peter and Drake)
Bob: Merry Christmas to one and all! (slides
down the railing. Peter and Drake give him a strange look) Ah, just the
two gentlemen I've been looking for! I have something for you. About that
donation. You can put me down for, uhh . . . . . (leans into Drake and whispers something. Drake's eyes nearly fly
out of his head)
Drake: That much?! (whispers
something to Peter)
Peter: That much?!
Bob: Yep, that much. And not a penny more, and not a penny less! Gotta
go! (runs off)
Drake: Thank you, Mr. Scrooge! Thank you! And a very Merry Christmas
to you!
(Bob continues to go about town,
until he comes towards Reggie.)
Bob: Ah, my dear nephew Fred!
Reggie: (surprised) Uncle
Scrooge!
Bob: I'm looking forward to that fine Christmas dinner of yours!
Reggie: (confused) Huh?! You
mean you're coming?!
Bob: Of course I'm coming! I can't wait to meet that wife of yours. You're
the only family I have, you know.
Reggie: Well, I'll be doggone.
Bob: I'll be over promptly at two! See you then!
Reggie: Yeah, sure thing, Uncle Scrooge! And a very Merry Christmas to
you!
(Quackerjack happens to see that,
and tries to run off before Bob can see him, but he does)
Bob: Tom Jenkins, don't think I haven't forgotten that you owe me six
pounds!
Quackerjack: Now, Mr. Scrooge, you agreed to give me a few more days to
make the payment.
Bob: I know. I want you to keep it. That's my Christmas present to you!
Quackerjack: Well . . . . thank you! Thank you very much! (begins singing)
Thank you very much
That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me
Bob: It sounds a bit bizarre
But things the way they are
I feel as if another life's begun for me
(spoken) And that goes for any
of you who owes me money, you can keep it! As of this day, all my debts have
ended! (crowd cheers, and resumes singing)
Crowd: And if I had a drum I'd have to bang it
To add a sort of rumty-tumty touch
But since I left me drummer at home
I'll simply have to say
Thank you very, very, very much
Thank you very, very, very much!
All: Thank you very much
Thank you very much
That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me
It isn't every day
Good fortune comes me way
I never thought the future could be fun for me
And if I had a bugle, I would blow it
To add a sort of hows your father touch
But since I left me bugle at home
I'll simply have to say
Thank you very, very, very much
Thank you very, very, very much
Thank you very much
Thank you very much
That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me
The future looks all right
In fact it looks so bright
I feel as if they're polishing the sun for me!
And if I had a canon, I would fire it
To add a sort of celebration touch
But since I left me cannon and home
I'll simply have to say
Thank you very, very, very much
Thank you very, very, very much
Thank you very much
Thank you very much
That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me
I may sound double Dutch
But my delight is such
I feel as if a losing war's
Been won for me
And if I had a flag, I'd hang me flag out
To add a sort of final victory touch
But since I left me flag at home
I'll simply have to say
Thank you very, very, very much
Thank you very, very, very much!
(Bob continues to go along the
street, until he comes to Mike's house, holding a very large sack. He knocks on
the door, and waits. Mike opens the door, and is surprised to see Bob there.)
Mike: Mr. Scrooge! Uhh, Merry Christmas! (Bob brushes past him. Mike is slightly annoyed) Won't you come in.
Bob: Christmas, huh? Well, I've got another bundle for you. (throws the bag down, and a teddy bear falls
out of it. Bob snatches it and stuffs it in his coat pocket)
Mike: But sir, Christmas is a time to spend with one's family!
Bob: Christmas is just another excuse for being lazy! I've had enough of
this half day off stuff! You leave me no choice . . . . . (finds he can no longer keep a straight face) to give you . . . . .
Leland: (opens the bag that Scrooge
brought over, and discovers a whole mess of toys. Excitedly) Toys!
Bob: Yes, toys. (realizes something
here) No, no, no, no, no! I'm giving you a raise, and making you my
partner.
Mike: (shocked) Partner?! (walks over to the bag, and begins pulling
things out of it) Thank you, Mr. Scrooge.
Bob: (picking up Leland) Merry
Christmas, Bob.
Leland: And God bless us everyone!
(right around here, an off screen
chorus begins to sing)
Joy to the children far and
near
What a wondrous time of year
Isn't it just grand to say
Merry, Merry Christmas
Merry, Merry Christmas
Oh what a Merry Christmas Day
The End