A Monkee/Mallard Christmas Carol

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is something I wrote a couple of years back. My original version of the story got deleted, which, quite frankly, I'm glad for, because now this gives me a chance to do some major cast changes, and to put in more songs from various sources, like "The Muppet Christmas Carol," "Scrooge," and various other Christmas songs. Like my original story, this is in script format, since my characters play different parts in this, as opposed to themselves, like in all my other "movies." Also, I'm sure Charles Dickens would beat the dickens out of me if he were able to read this. I butcher his classic somethin' awful!

 

CAST:

Ebenezer Scrooge: Bob Rafelsen

Bob Cratchit: Mike Nesmith

Jacob Marley: Will Westerman

Ghost of Christmas Past: Valerie Cartwright

Ghost of Christmas Present: Micky Dolenz

Ghost of Christmas Future: Jerry Blavat

Nephew Fred: Reggie Bushroot

Tiny Tim: Leland Lizard

Mrs. Cratchit/Mrs. Fezziwig: Phyllis Nesmith

Mr. Fezziwig: Ken Mills

Isabel: Camille Chameleon

Tom Jenkins: Quackerjack Quackerwitz

Poor Collectors: Peter Tork, Drake Mallard

Cratchit Children: Fluey McAlister, Julie Olsen

Fred's Wife: Sarah Phoenix

Party Guests/Crowd: Davy Jones, Multi Mills, Coiley Collins, Shawn Smith, Linda Blavat, Lynn Dova, and the Maple Leaf Elementary School Children's Chorus

NOTE: The rest of the cast (minus Bob Rafelsen) is part of the chorus and crowd scenes as well.

 

(England, Christmas Eve in the 1800's. The entire cast is out in the streets, doing some shopping, or talking to passerbys. Members of a chorus are standing on a street corner, singing)

 

Chorus: God rest ye merry gentlemen

May nothing you dismay

Remember Christ our savoir

Was born on Christmas Day

To save us all from Satan's power

When we were gone astray

Oh tidings of comfort and joy

Comfort and joy

Oh tidings of comfort and joy

 

Davy: 'Ey, cool it, everyone. 'Ere comes ol' Mr. Humbug 'imself.

 

(Chorus departs as Bob comes walking down the street, scowling. Everyone stands aside to get out of his way.)

Bob: Bah. Humbug.

 

(continues down the street. Everyone he passes gets out of his way. He comes to a cart where Quackerjack is standing. Quackerjack sees him, looks nervous for a second or so, and then pours some broth into a cup, and turns to Bob)

 

Quackerjack: (holding up the cup) Good day, to you, Mr. Scrooge. Here's a nice, hot cup of broth for you, compliments of Tom Jenkins, for your kindess and generosity. (Bob gives him a Look)

 

Bob: You've got the payment for me, Jenkins?

 

Quackerjack: Not yet, sir, but if you'll give me another two weeks to pay . . . .

 

Bob: One week.

 

Quackerjack: Ten days?

 

Bob: One week.

 

Quackerjack: One week.

 

Bob: Good. Not one day later, too. And get that slop out of my face! Bleeeccchhh!

 

(Bob stalks off. Quackerjack puts the cup down and watches him go, glaring at him. Camille comes up to the cart and looks at Quackerjack. He looks at Camille and begins singing)

 

Quackerjack: When a cold wind blows it chills you

Chills you to the bone

 

Camille: But there's nothing in nature that freezes your heart

Like years of being alone

 

Drake: It paints you with indifference

Like a lady paints with rouge

 

Ken: And the worst of the worst

 

Sarah: The most hated and cursed

 

Ken: Is the one that we call Scrooge

 

Fluey: Unkind as any

 

Multi: And the wrath of many

 

Fluey: This is Ebenezer Scrooge

 

All: Oh there goes Mr. Humbug

There goes Mr. Grim

If they gave a prize for being mean

The winner would be him

 

Davy and Micky: Ol' Scroogey loves his money 'cause

He thinks it gives him power

 

Kids: If he became a flavor

You can bet he would be sour!

Bleah!

 

(Kids hurl some tomatoes at Bob, but they miss him, as if they were trying to stay away from him)

 

Camille and Sarah: There goes Mr. Skin Flint

There goes Mr. Greed

 

Mike and Jerry: The undisputed master of

The underhanded deed

 

Peter and Valerie: He charges folks a fortune

For his dark and drafty houses

Us poor folk live in misery

 

Micky: It's even worse for mouses!

 

Girls: He must be so lonely

He must be so sad

He goes to extremes to

Convince us he's bad

He's really a victim of fear

And of pride

Look close and there must be

A sweet man inside

 

(Everyone pauses as Bob walks up to the girls singing on the street corner. He looks at them, and walks on, without so much as leaving any money for them)

 

Girls: Naaahhh

 

Lynn: Eh-eh!

 

Cast: There goes Mr. Outrage

There goes Mr. Sneer

 

Drake: He has no time for friends or fun

 

Jerry: His anger makes that clear

 

Mike: Don't ask him for a favor

'Cause his nastiness increases

 

Reggie: No crust of bread for those in need

 

Micky: No cheeses for those meeces

 

All: There goes Mr. Heartless

There goes Mr. Cruel

 

Micky and Reggie: He never gives, he only takes

He lets his hunger rule

 

Phyllis and Valerie: If being mean's a way of life

You practice and rehearse

 

Quackerjack: Then all that work is paying off

'Cause Scrooge is getting worse

 

All: Every day in every way

Scrooge is getting worse!

 

(Bob turns around and glares at all of them. Everyone begins to scatter.)

 

Bob: Bah. Humbug! (Before going inside, Bob looks up at the sign of his counting house and knocks snow off it. The sign reads "Scrooge and Marley," although Marley's name is crossed out) My old partner, Jacob Marley. Dead seven years today. He was a good one. He robbed from the widows and swindled the poor. In his will he left me enough money to pay for his tombstone. (laughs) and I had him buried at sea!

 

(Bob walks inside and sees Mike standing by a stove, holding a piece of coal in his hand. Mike hears the door, and whirls around)

 

Mike: Uhhh, good mornin', Mr. Scrooge!

 

Bob: Okay, Cratchit, just what were you planning on doing with that piece of coal?

 

Mike: Well, I was just tryin' to thaw out the ink. I was wonderin', Mr. Scrooge . . . . . uhh, maybe we could throw another piece of coal onto the fire? It's awfully cold in here.

 

Bob: How would you like to be suddenly . . . . . . (at the top of his lungs) UNEMPLOYED!

 

Mike: Oooh boy, it is hot in here today sir, isn't it?

 

Bob: Glad you see it my way, Cratchit. (sits down at his desk and begins writing) Now get to work.

 

Mike: (sits at his own desk) Speakin' of work, Mr. Scrooge, tomorrow's Christmas, and . . . . .

 

Bob: Don't bore me with details about Christmas, Cratchit. I've got work to do.

 

(Mike shrugs, and starts to work. As he's working, the door is flung open, and Reggie comes in, holding a wreath in one hand)

 

Reggie: Merry Christmas!

 

Bob: Bah, humbug!


Reggie: Christmas a humbug, Uncle Scrooge? I beg to differ with you.

 

Bob: Well, what's so merry about Christmas anyway? I say anyone who goes around with Merry Christmas on his lips should be boiled in his own Yorkshire pudding!

 

Reggie: I don't care what you say, Uncle Scrooge. I say Merry Christmas, so Merry Christmas!

 

Bob: Right of you to be merry. You're poor enough.

 

Reggie: Well, right of you to be miserable. You're rich enough.

 

(Before Bob can go on, the door opens, and Drake and Peter walk in)

 

Bob: Ahhh, customers! What can I do for you, gentlemen?

 

Drake: Sir, we're collecting for the impoverished and destitute.

 

Bob: (confused) For the what?

 

Peter: (tips his hat) We're collecting for the poor.

 

Reggie: Well, you're in luck! This man here happens to be very generous when dealing with donations for the poor.

 

Bob: (rolls his eyes) Oh brother. Aren't there any poor houses, or things like that?

 

Drake: Oh of course. Plenty of them.

 

Bob: Good. For a minute, I was worried. I don't make merry this time of the year.

 

Reggie: That's certainly true.

 

Bob: I can't afford to make idle people merry, either.

 

Reggie: (angrily) That is certainly not true!

 

Bob: (highly annoyed) Don't you have something to do?

 

Reggie: Sadly, I do. So, I will leave my donation, (drops a few coins into the cup Peter is holding) and leave you to make yours.

 

Mike: Merry Christmas, Fred.

 

Reggie: Merry Christmas, Bob. (Starts to go out the door, but then stops and turns back around) Oh, Uncle Scrooge, have Christmas dinner with me and Clara tomorrow.

 

Bob: Why ever did you get married?

 

Reggie: (shrugs) Because I fell in love. (hangs the wreath be brought on the doorknob, and then leaves)

 

Bob: Humbug. (continues to work, oblivious that Peter and Drake are still there. Drake clears his throat. Bob looks up, annoyed.) What?!

 

Drake: (slightly taken aback) Well, uhh, sir, about your donation. How much should we put you down for?

 

Bob: Nothing.

 

Drake: You wish to remain anonymous?

 

Bob: I wish to be left alone. The way I see it, my taxes go to pay for the poor houses and the prisons. The homeless should go there.

 

Drake: (shocked) But some would rather die!

 

Bob: If they'd rather die, they'd better go ahead and do it! And decrease the surplus population!

 

Drake: (looks at Peter) Well, come along, Peter. I can see we've taken up enough of Mr. Scrooge's time! (Peter nods and gives Bob his pouty look, and the two of them leave)

 

Bob: Bah, humbug.

 

(Scene shifts to later that evening. Mike is still working in his books, and the clock on the wall begins to chime seven. Mike finishes up a sentence, and closes the book. He gets up, and walks over to Bob's desk)

 

Mike: It's seven o' clock, Mr. Scrooge.

 

Bob: Correct, Cratchit. And I suppose you want the whole day off tomorrow?

 

Mike: You bet your bippy I do!

 

Bob: (looks up, angry) WHAT WAS THAT?!

 

Mike: (clears throat, nervously) I mean, I mean, yes sir. That's usually the custom.

 

Bob: Well . . . . . I'll give you have a day off. But I'll dock you half a day's pay, of course.

 

Mike: Of course.

 

Bob: Let's see, I pay you two shillings a day.

 

Mike: That's two shillings and a hay penny, sir.

 

Bob: Oh that's right. Yeah, I gave you that raise two years ago, when you started doing my laundry. Well, anyway, I got another bundle of shirts for you. No starch this time, okay?

 

Mike: Got it.

 

Bob: By the way. The clock on the wall is two minutes fast. (Mike makes a face, and starts going back to his books) Never mind those two minutes, Cratchit. You can go.

 

Mike: Thanks, Mr. Scrooge! You're really a kind person, you know that?

 

Bob: Never mind the mushy stuff, just go! But be here all the earlier the next day!

 

Mike: I will, I will. And a bah humbug . . . . . (stops for a moment and clears his throat) I mean Merry Christmas sir!

 

Bob: (after Mike leaves) Bah!

 

(Mike leaves the office and starts walking down the streets of London. He comes across a toy shop on the corner where Fluey, Leland, and Julie are waiting. Leland and Julie are looking in the window, admiring the toys. Mike walks up to them)

 

Mike: Well, children, here it is, Christmas Eve! Tell me, which toys do you like the best?

 

Julie: (points to a doll in the window) I like that doll there, Father.

 

Leland: I can't decide. I like them all.

 

Mike: Well, Tim, if you could choose just one, which one would it be?

 

Leland: Well, you said we can't have any. So why can't I like them all?

 

Fluey: He's got a good point there, Pop.

 

Mike: Yes, I guess he does. Well, come along, children. Let's get home for Christmas Eve dinner.

 

(The kids cheer. Mike picks up Leland and puts him on his shoulder, and begins to sing)

 

Mike: There's magic in the air this evening
Magic in the air
The world is at her best, you know
When people love and care
The promise of excitement is one the night will keep
After all, there's only one more sleep til Christmas

The world has got a smile today
The world has got a glow
There's no such thing as strangers when
A stranger says "hello"
And everyone is family, we're having so much fun
After all, there's only one more sleep til Christmas

Tis the season to be jolly and joyous
With a burst of pleasure, we feel it arrive
Tis the season when the saints can employ us
To spread the news about peace and to keep love alive

There's something in the wind today
That's good for everyone
Yes, faith is in our hearts today
We're shining like the sun
And everyone can feel it, the feeling's running deep
After all, there's only one more sleep til Christmas

After all, there's only one more sleep til Christmas day

 

(Mike and the kids start walking down the street. Meanwhile, Bob exits the counting house and begins walking down the street himself. He ends up in the crowd of people all wishing each other "Merry Christmas" and things such as that. Bob is getting very annoyed at that. He passes Quackerjack)

 

Quackerjack: Merry Christmas, Mr. Scrooge, and a happy New Year!

 

Bob: What's merry about it, Jenkins? It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December twenty-fifth.

 

Quackerjack: Well, you don't have to be such a grouch about it!

 

Bob: I'm a grouch, am I? Hmph! (walks off, mumbling) Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. Hmph! I hope their Christmas trees have termites!

 

(Bob walks to his house, and fiddles around, looking for his house keys. As he's doing that, the door knocker begins to change on the door. It begins to take the shape of Mike's uncle, Will Westerman, who's playing Jacob Marley in this production)

 

Will: (sort of moaning) Scroooooooge!

 

Bob: (stunned) Jacob Marley? No, it can't be! (reaches out to the door knocker, and ends up tweaking it's nose)

 

Will: Ouch!

 

Bob: YIPES! (runs into the house, and slams the door. Then he races up the stairs, and into his bedroom, locking all the locks. He jumps onto a chair, leaving his walking stick on the floor)

 

Will: (coming in through the door) Ebeneeeezer Scrooooge!

 

Bob: Go away!

 

Will: (walking towards Bob's walking stick) Ebeneeezerrrr Scroo . . . . (trips over the cane and crash lands on the floor. Stands up, and glares at Bob) You never change, Scrooge. You always had a habit of leaving your junk laying around.

 

Bob: Jacob Marley? Is that . . . . is that you?

 

Will: Of course it is. Remember when I was alive, and I robbed the widows and swindled the poor?

 

Bob: And all in the same day, too. You had a lot of class, Marley.

 

Will: Yes, I guess I did. (realizes something) No! No, I was wrong! And as punishment, I have to wear these chains to eternity!

 

Bob: You're kidding. But why? (Will looks at Bob, and begins singing)

 

Will: I'm Marley I'm Marley
Avarice and greed
I took advantage of the poor
Just ignored the needy
I specialized in causing pain
Spreading fear and doubt
And if you could not pay the rent
I simply threw you out


I'm Marley I'm Marley
My heart was painted black
I should have known my evil deeds
Would put me in these shackles
Captive, bound,I'm double-ironed
Exhausted by the weight
As freedom comes from giving love
So, prison comes with hate

I'm Marley I'm Marley
I'm Marley I'm Marley

Doomed, Scrooge!
You're doomed for all time
Your future is a horror story
Written by your crime
Your chains are forged
By what you say and do
So, have your fun
When life is done
A nightmare waits for you

I'm Marley I'm Marley
I'm Marley I'm Marley
I'm Marley I'm Marley
And now it's time to part
To go back where they keep my kind
The wretched and the heartless
The news I shared has got you scared
I'm glad that I got through
So make amends and make some friends
The future's up to you

I'm Marley I'm Marley
I'm Marley I'm Marley
I'm Marley I'm Marley
CHANGE!

 

Bob: Change? Well, how do I change?

 

Will: Tonight, you'll be visited by three spirits. Listen to them. Do what they say. Or your chains will be heavier than mine! Farewell, Ebenezer. Farewell! (fades out through the door, but Bob realizes something)

 

Bob: Marley! Watch out for that first . . . . . (next sound heard is Will tripping on the step, tumbling down it, and crashing) Step.

 

(Scene shifts to Bob's bedroom. He's looking all over the place for ghosts, and spirits, and what not. When he doesn't see anything, he climbs into bed)

 

Bob: Spirits. Heh! (blows out candle, and starts to go to sleep. As he's sleeping, a light fills the room. Valerie comes in, and taps the bell on Bob's clock. Bob wakes up slightly) Huh? Huh? What? (yawns, and goes back to sleep)

 

Valerie: (glares) Ahem! (rings bell again. Bob wakes up fully) Well it's about time! I haven't got all night you know!

 

Bob: Who are you?!

 

Valerie: I'm the ghost of Christmas past.

 

Bob: Long past?

 

Valerie: No, your past. Come on, Scrooge. It's time to go.

 

Bob: Then go! (Valerie gives him a Look, and opens the window) Hey, Spirit! What are you doing?

 

Valerie: We're going to visit your past!

 

Bob: (walks over to the window) I'm not going out there! I'll fall!

 

Valerie: (taking Bob's hand) Just hold on. (Bob squeezes her hand so hard, he almost breaks the bones) Not too tight, though.

 

(Both Valerie and Bob fly out the window, and through the sky, through a stream of bright lights. They end up at a factory of some kind)

 

Bob: I think I know this place. (Bob and Valerie land) This was my first job! Working for Mr. Fezziwig! (wipes fog off a window) I couldn't have worked for a kinder man. (looks around the room. Spots a young man sitting alone in the corner) Hey, over there in the corner. That's me!

 

Valerie: Yes. That was before you became a miserable miser, consumed by greed.

 

Bob: Well, nobody's perfect. (Valerie gives a disgusted grunt. Bob continues looking around the room, and spots Camille standing next to the mistletoe) And there! There's Isabel.

 

Camille: (walking over) Ebenezer? Ebenezer!

 

Bob: (stands up) Yes, Isabel?

 

Camille: (drags Bob over to the mistletoe) My eyes are closed, my lips are puckered, and I'm standing under the mistletoe. (puckers up for a kiss, but Bob is looking down)

 

Bob: You're also standing on my foot. (Camille looks down, gets off Bob's foot, and begins to dance with him.)

 

Ken: (coming up to the center of the room, with Phyllis) Attention, attention everyone! Mrs. Fezziwig and I are happy you all could come to our party. I'm sure we're all excited about tomorrow!

 

Phyllis: (jokingly) And I'm sure we all know what tomorrow is.

 

Crowd: December the twenty-fifth!

 

Ken: Correct! (begins singing)

Of all the days in all the year

That I'm familiar with

There's only one that's really fun

 

Crowd: December the twenty-fifth

 

Ken: Correct!

 

Phyllis: Ask anyone called Robinson

Or Brown or Jones or Smith

Their favorite day and they will say

Crowd: December the twenty-fifth

 

Phyllis: Correct!

 

All: December the twenty-fifth, me dears

December the twenty-fifth

The dearest day in all the year

December the twenty-fifth

 

Ken: At times we're glad to see the back

Of all our kin and kith

But there's a date we celebrate

 

Crowd: December the twenty-fifth!

 

Ken: Correct!

 

Phyllis: At times our friends may seem to be

Devoid of wit and pith

But all of us are humorous

 

Crowd: December the twenty-fifth!

 

Phyllis: Correct!

 

All: December the twenty-fifth, me dears

December the twenty-fifth

The dearest day in all the year

December the twenty-fifth

 

Ken: If there's a day in history

That's more than any myth

Beyond a doubt one day stands out

 

All: December the twenty-fifth

 

Ken: Correct!

 

Ken and Phyllis: I don't hear any arguments

So may I say forthwith

I wish that every day could be

 

Crowd: December the twenty-fifth

 

Ken and Phyllis: Correct!

 

All: December the twenty-fifth, me dears

December the twenty-fifth

The dearest day in all the year

December the twenty-fifth me, dears

December the twenty-fifth me, dears

December the twenty-fifth me, dears

December the twenty-fifth!

 

(Camille leans over at the end of the dance and kisses Bob. Bob gets a dazed look on his face)

 

Bob: (outside with Valerie. Sighs) I remember how much I was in love with that girl. (scene fades into the counting house)


Valerie: In ten years time, you learned to love something else.

 

Bob: Hey, it's my counting house.

 

(Bob looks over and sees himself stacking a pile of coins on the desk)

 

Bob: Five thousand two hundred and seventy-two . . . . . five thousand two hundred . . . .

 

Camille: Ebenezer?

 

Bob: Yes? What is it?

 

Camille: For years I've had this honeymoon cottage. I've been waiting for you to keep your promise to marry me. Now, I must know, have you made your decision.

 

Bob: I have. (Camille looks at him eagerly) Your last payment on the cottage was an hour late, and so I'm foreclosing the mortgage.

 

(Camille looks crushed, and leaves the counting house in tears)

 

Valerie: You loved your gold more than her, and you lost her forever.

 

Bob: (still counting his money) Five thousand two hundred and seventy . . . . . . (Camille slams the door, and all the coins crash onto the desk.) Three! (tosses coin over his shoulder)

 

Bob: (to Valerie) I can't stand it any longer, Spirit! Take me home!

 

Valerie: Remember, Scrooge, you fashioned all these memories yourself.

 

(Valerie fades off, and Bob's clock strikes two. Bob is mentally kicking himself after being shown that  past)

 

Bob: Why was I so foolish! Why, why, why?!

 

(Bob is brought out of his thoughts when he sees a light in the hallway. He gets out of bed to check it out. Micky is sitting there, drinking egg nog, and eating Christmas cookies)

 

Micky: (looks up and sees Bob) Hi! (grabs a handful of cookies and scarfs them down)

 

Bob: Who are you?

 

Micky: (swallowing) I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present!

 

Bob: Long present?

 

Micky: No, your present. There's no such thing as long present. (offers Bob a plate of cookies) Want some?

 

Bob: Uhh, thanks. (takes a cookie and bites into it. Then he looks around the room, and sees a whole mess of Christmas goodies all around) You've got yourself quite a feast here, Spirit. Christmas cookies, pies, cakes, egg nog . . . . .

 

Micky: (licking crumbs off his fingers) Yeah! And don't forget the chocolate pot roast with pichmashio . . . . . with mishmashio . . . . . with, uhh, with . . . . . uhh, with yogurt.

 

Bob: Where'd all this stuff come from?

 

Micky: From the heart, Scroogey-baby! It's the food of generosity.

 

Bob: Generosity! Hah! No one has ever shown me generosity!

 

Micky: You've never given them a chance! Come on! I'm gonna show you Christmas present!

 

(Micky waves his hands, and the scene shifts to the next day, Christmas morning. Everyone is out and about)

 

Micky: Scrooge, allow me to present, Christmas present. (begins to sing)

It's in the singing of a street corner choir
It's going home and getting warm by the fire
It's true wherever you find love
It feels like Christmas
A cup of kindness that we share with another
A sweet reunion with a friend or a brother
In all the places you find love
It feels like Christmas
It is the season of the heart
A special time of caring
The ways of love made clear
It is the season of the sprit
The message if we hear it
Is make it last all year
It's in the giving of a gift to another
A pair of mittens that were made by your mother
It's all the ways that we show love
That feel like Christmas
A part of childhood we'll always remember
It is the summer of the soul in December
Yes, when you do your best for love
It feels like Christmas
It is the season of the heart
A special time of caring
The ways of love made clear
It is the season of the sprit
The message if we hear it
Is make it last all year
It's in the singing of a street corner choir
It's going home and getting warm by the fire
It's true, wherever you find love
It feels like Christmas
It's true, wherever you find love
It feels like Christmas
It feels like Christmas
It feels like Christmas
It feels like Christmas

 

Bob: Yeah, yeah, yeah. (looks over to a house) Hey, this is my nephew Fred's house!

 

Micky: Come on. Let's go see what he's up to.

 

(Bob and Micky go through the wall, and inside the house, to find Reggie and Sarah entertaining a group of guests)

 

Sarah: Will we be seeing Uncle Scrooge today, Fred?

 

Reggie: Unfortunately, no. He declined my invitation.

 

Davy: I wouldn't expect that uncle of yours to come by any time soon. You know what a penny pinching grouch 'e is. 'E 'ates Christmas!

 

Reggie: I know, I know. But one of these days, I am going to get him to come to my Christmas party. After all, I'm the only family he's got!

 

Sarah: That's certainly true.

 

Reggie: Yes, well, to dear old Uncle Scrooge! (raises his glass, and everyone else follows suit)

 

Bob: You know, I haven't really thought of that.

 

Micky: Yeah, well. Come on. I've got something else to show you.

 

(Micky and Bob walk to another part of town. Suddenly, day turns into evening, and the two are standing outside an old, run down house)

 

Bob: Why did you bring me to this old shack?

 

Micky: This is the home of your overworked, underpaid employee, Bob Cratchit.

 

(Bob looks in the window, and sees Phyllis pull a very small bird out of the oven, and put it onto a plate)

 

Bob: What's she cookin'? A canary? Surely they have more food than that! Look on the fire!

 

Micky: (looks in and sees a pot boiling on the fire) Oh. That's your laundry.

 

(Phyllis puts the bird on the table. Fluey and Julie race for the table ready to it, but Mike restores the order)

 

Mike: Whoa, hold it a second, kids! We've gotta wait for Tiny Tim, you know. (Leland enters the room, leaning on a crutch)

 

Leland: I'm coming, Father! (walks over to the table and sits down in his place) Oh boy! Look at all the food! We must thank Mr. Scrooge.

 

Mike: You're right. (raises his glass) To Mr. Scrooge! The founder of the feast!

 

Phyllis: (bitterly) To Mr. Scrooge, may he choke on his chestnuts!

 

Leland: But isn't Christmas the time of forgiveness, and peace on earth and good will towards men?

 

Phyllis: (hesitantly) Well . . . . . in light of the Christmas season, I guess I must drink to the health of Mr. Scrooge. Even if he is odious, stingy, wicked, unfeeling, and badly dressed.

 

Leland: To Mr. Scrooge, the founder of the feast.

 

Phyllis: (rolling her eyes) To Mr. Scrooge, may he be very happy and merry today, no doubt.

 

Mike: Cheers.

 

Bob: (from outside) Hey Spirit, what's wrong with Tiny Tim, anyway?

 

Micky: Much, I'm afraid. If these shadows remain unchanged, I see a chair, where Tiny Tim once sat, and a crutch without an owner.

 

Bob: You mean Tim will . . . . .

 

Micky: Yep. But hey, if he's gonna die, he'd better do it and decrease the surplus population.

 

Bob: But he can't die, I mean . . . . . (gets cut off as the lights in the window go out) Where did everybody go? (looks around for Micky, but sees that he disappeared) Hey Spirit! Come back! You have to tell me about Tiny Tim! Where'd you go?!

 

(Smoke fills the air, and Bob chokes on it. He turns around and sees a tall figure in all black, but he can't see his face. Bob gasps)

 

Jerry: (in a very low rasp) Ebenezer Scrooge!

 

(Jerry is about to go on, but ends up choking on the smoke himself, resulting in a hacking cough, tripping, and crash landing on the floor. Bob jumps back, alarmed)

 

Jerry: (sits up, pulls the hood off, and takes off a pair of platform shoes) I don't know how they talked me into this get up. (puts on a pair of regular, black boots, and stands up)

 

Bob: Who are you?

 

Jerry: (leaning against the wall, with his arms across his chest) Well, I could be the welcome wagon. But I'm not. (raises arms in the air, and says next line in a spooky sounding voice) I am the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come!

 

Bob: Is that anything like the future?

 

Jerry: (slightly annoyed) Yes.

 

Bob: Long future?

 

Jerry: (gives a sidelong glance to the camera, and begins hitting Bob's head with his fist) Hello? Hello? Anybody home? There's no such thing as long future! This is your future Scrooge!

 

Bob: Well, if this is the future, then can you tell me what happens to Tiny Tim?

 

Jerry: I'll get to that in due time. Come on. I've got something to show you first.

 

(Bob follows Jerry to the counting house where a large crowd has gathered. Quackerjack is standing in front of them)

 

Quackerjack: Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today because we are united by a common bond. Namely our feelings of gratitude to Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge! (crowd cheers)

 

Bob: Is this the future? That's Tom Jenkins. He sells hot soup on the streets. He owes me six pounds.

 

Jerry: (examining his fingernails) You don't say.

 

Bob: He looks kinda happy for someone who's in debt. (looks around) Hey, all these people here owe me money!

 

Quackerjack: We are all deeply moved. Those of us who've been in debt to Mr. Scrooge will never forget what a rare and beautiful thing he has just done for us. Three cheers for Mr. Scrooge!

 

Crowd: Hip, hip hooray! Hip, hip hooray! Hip, hip hooray!

 

Bob: What did I do? Well whatever it was that I did, they seem happy about it! (climbs up to where Quackerjack had been speaking) My friends, I thank you from the bottom of my heart! I shall remember this moment until the day I die!

 

(crowd cheers as Quackerjack comes out of the counting house, followed by Davy, Drake, Micky, and Peter, and they're carrying a casket)

 

Bob: (oblivious to everything) Wow, I never knew all of you cared!

 

Quackerjack: (rips pages out of Scrooge's book, and crowd cheers) Ladies and gentlemen! (begins to sing)

On behalf of all the people who have assembled here

I would merely like to mention if I may

 

Crowd: You may!

 

Quackerjack: That our unanimous attitude

Is one of lasting gratitude

For what our friend has done for us today

And therefore, I would simply like to say

 

Thank you very much

Thank you very much

That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me

I may sound double Dutch

But my delight is such

I feel as if a losing war's

Been won for me

 

And if I had a flag, I'd hang me flag out

To add a sort of final victory touch

But since I left me flag at home

I'll simply have to say

Thank you very, very, very much

 

All: Thank you very, very, very much!

 

Quackerjack: Thank you very much

Thank you very much

That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me

It sounds a bit bizarre

But things the way they are

I feel as if another life's begun for me

 

All: And if I had a canon, I would fire it

To add a sort of celebration touch

But since I left me cannon and home

I'll simply have to say

Thank you very, very, very much

Thank you very, very, very much

 

For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

And so says all of us!

 

All: Thank you very much

Thank you very much

That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me

It isn't every day

Good fortune comes me way

I never thought the future could be fun for me

And if . . . . .

 

Lynn: (spoken) Hey! You woke my baby! Will you keep quiet?!

 

Quackerjack: Beg your pardon, lady! (group resumes singing, but hushed slightly)

 

All: And if I had a bugle, I would blow it

To add a sort of hows your father touch

(resume singing at full voice)
But since I left me bugle at home

I'll simply have to say

Thank you very, very, very much

Thank you very, very, very much

 

Bob: (spoken) No, no my friends! It's me who should be thanking you! (begins singing)

Thank you very much

Thank you very much

That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me

The future looks all right

In fact it looks so bright

I feel as if they're polishing the sun for me!

 

Crowd: And if I had a drum I'd have to bang it

To add a sort of rumty-tumty touch

But since I left me drummer at home

I'll simply have to say

Thank you very, very, very much

Thank you very, very, very much!

 

Bob: (continues along dancing like a fool) Thank you very much! Thank you very much! That's the nicest . . . . . . (Jerry clears his throat and gives Bob a Look) What?

 

Jerry: Come on. We've got places to go, and people to see.

 

(Jerry waves his hand, and the scene shifts to a graveyard. A very smoky graveyard at that. Bob coughs and begins waving it away)

 

Bob: This is the graveyard.

 

Jerry: Yep. This is the graveyard all right.

 

Bob: Well . . . . . what are we doing here?

 

Jerry: (points into the distance) You were the one who wanted to know what happened to Tiny Tim.

 

(Bob looks over at a small grave, and the Cratchit family gathered around it. Mike solemnly puts a small crutch on the grave, and walks off with Phyllis, Fluey, and Julie. Bob turns to Jerry)

 

Bob: Spirit, I didn't want this to happen! Please tell me these events can be changed!

 

(Before Jerry answers, laughing is heard in the distance. Ken and Multi are digging a grave, and laughing about it)

 

Ken: I've never seen a funeral quite like this one, have you?

 

Multi: That's for sure. No mourners, no friends, no nothing! He probably never had any friends to begin with!

 

Ken: Right. Let's take a break before we get finished with this. After all, he's not going anywhere!

 

(Both Ken and Multi laugh as they walk off. Once they're gone, Bob and Jerry walk over to the grave they were digging and look in)

 

Bob: Spirit, who's lonely grave is this? (Jerry snaps his fingers, and a light appears in front of the tombstone to read "Ebenezer Scrooge")

 

Jerry: Yours, Ebenezer. The richest man in the cemetery!

 

(knocks Bob into the grave and begins cackling madly. Bob is hanging onto a root and is begging for mercy)

 

Bob: Whoa, whoa wait a minute Spirit! I can change! I'll change! I'll chaaaaaange!

 

(Bob plummets into the grave, and ends up crashing on the floor of his own bedroom, tangled up in his bed sheets)

 

Bob: Spirit! Let me out! Let me out! I'll . . . . (realizes what's going on) Eh? I'm back in my own room. (runs to the window and throws it open) It's Christmas morning! I haven't missed it! The spirits have given me another chance! I know exactly what to do! (runs around the room, getting himself together. He grabs his top hat, coat and scarf, and starts running down the stairs. A few moments later, he runs back up) I can't go out like this! (grabs a cane from the umbrella stand) That's better.

 

(Bob rushes outside, right in front of Peter and Drake)

 

Bob: Merry Christmas to one and all! (slides down the railing. Peter and Drake give him a strange look) Ah, just the two gentlemen I've been looking for! I have something for you. About that donation. You can put me down for, uhh . . . . . (leans into Drake and whispers something. Drake's eyes nearly fly out of his head)

 

Drake: That much?! (whispers something to Peter)

 

Peter: That much?!

 

Bob: Yep, that much. And not a penny more, and not a penny less! Gotta go! (runs off)

 

Drake: Thank you, Mr. Scrooge! Thank you! And a very Merry Christmas to you!

 

(Bob continues to go about town, until he comes towards Reggie.)

 

Bob: Ah, my dear nephew Fred!

 

Reggie: (surprised) Uncle Scrooge!

 

Bob: I'm looking forward to that fine Christmas dinner of yours!

 

Reggie: (confused) Huh?! You mean you're coming?!

 

Bob: Of course I'm coming! I can't wait to meet that wife of yours. You're the only family I have, you know.

 

Reggie: Well, I'll be doggone.

 

Bob: I'll be over promptly at two! See you then!

 

Reggie: Yeah, sure thing, Uncle Scrooge! And a very Merry Christmas to you!

 

(Quackerjack happens to see that, and tries to run off before Bob can see him, but he does)

 

Bob: Tom Jenkins, don't think I haven't forgotten that you owe me six pounds!

 

Quackerjack: Now, Mr. Scrooge, you agreed to give me a few more days to make the payment.

 

Bob: I know. I want you to keep it. That's my Christmas present to you!

 

Quackerjack: Well . . . . thank you! Thank you very much! (begins singing)

Thank you very much

That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me

 

Bob: It sounds a bit bizarre

But things the way they are

I feel as if another life's begun for me

(spoken) And that goes for any of you who owes me money, you can keep it! As of this day, all my debts have ended! (crowd cheers, and resumes singing)

 

Crowd: And if I had a drum I'd have to bang it

To add a sort of rumty-tumty touch

But since I left me drummer at home

I'll simply have to say

Thank you very, very, very much

Thank you very, very, very much!

 

All: Thank you very much

Thank you very much

That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me

It isn't every day

Good fortune comes me way

I never thought the future could be fun for me

 

And if I had a bugle, I would blow it

To add a sort of hows your father touch
But since I left me bugle at home

I'll simply have to say

Thank you very, very, very much

Thank you very, very, very much

 

Thank you very much

Thank you very much

That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me

The future looks all right

In fact it looks so bright

I feel as if they're polishing the sun for me!

 

And if I had a canon, I would fire it

To add a sort of celebration touch

But since I left me cannon and home

I'll simply have to say

Thank you very, very, very much

Thank you very, very, very much

 

Thank you very much

Thank you very much

That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me

I may sound double Dutch

But my delight is such

I feel as if a losing war's

Been won for me

 

And if I had a flag, I'd hang me flag out

To add a sort of final victory touch

But since I left me flag at home

I'll simply have to say

Thank you very, very, very much

Thank you very, very, very much!

 

(Bob continues to go along the street, until he comes to Mike's house, holding a very large sack. He knocks on the door, and waits. Mike opens the door, and is surprised to see Bob there.)

 

Mike: Mr. Scrooge! Uhh, Merry Christmas! (Bob brushes past him. Mike is slightly annoyed) Won't you come in.

 

Bob: Christmas, huh? Well, I've got another bundle for you. (throws the bag down, and a teddy bear falls out of it. Bob snatches it and stuffs it in his coat pocket)

 

Mike: But sir, Christmas is a time to spend with one's family!

 

Bob: Christmas is just another excuse for being lazy! I've had enough of this half day off stuff! You leave me no choice . . . . . (finds he can no longer keep a straight face) to give you . . . . .

 

Leland: (opens the bag that Scrooge brought over, and discovers a whole mess of toys. Excitedly) Toys!

 

Bob: Yes, toys. (realizes something here) No, no, no, no, no! I'm giving you a raise, and making you my partner.

 

Mike: (shocked) Partner?! (walks over to the bag, and begins pulling things out of it) Thank you, Mr. Scrooge.

 

Bob: (picking up Leland) Merry Christmas, Bob.

 

Leland: And God bless us everyone!

 

(right around here, an off screen chorus begins to sing)

 

Joy to the children far and near

What a wondrous time of year

Isn't it just grand to say

Merry, Merry Christmas

Merry, Merry Christmas

Oh what a Merry Christmas Day

 

The End