AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is basically
Bob's back
story. He's going to be a regular in the fic, so he needs a little
something
here. Also, due to some of the overtones of this, I would probably
have to give
this an R rating, just as a precaution. Also, text in red
indicates notes that aren't part of the interview, such as an action
Bob or the
interviewer takes, or a certain tone of voice Bob uses. And in case
any of you
are wondering, this is NOT taken from my real life. This is strictly
fiction.
Everything you read below has been MADE UP.
Q: How did you get started in show business?
A: My
first exposure to the media was modeling when I was fourteen. The modeling led to a regular spot on the TV show, "Non-Stop Sock Hop." I was one of the regular dancers.
Q: How did the modeling lead to the Sock Hop spot?
A: I was sending my head shots every place, and the people on Sock Hop liked how I look, so I came in and did this dance schtick. They asked me my name, and I said "Robert Rafelsen." I refused to go by Bobby at this time, and I hadn't gotten to Bob yet. They told me I needed something snappier, and they wanted to change my name to Bobby Roberts. I said if they changed my name to that, they could forget it. Apparently, I was the number one choice for these guys, so they agreed to keep my last name Rafelsen, and I agreed to go just by Rob.
Q: Did you always want to be a producer?
A: Actually
no. When I came out to California, I had no direction in life. I had
dropped
out of school, hitchhiked to LA, and lived on the streets for awhile,
then came
the modeling, and I was living in this apartment above a
photographer's studio
at the time. I just did the modeling to make some dough. I did that
for two
years, while also working the graveyard shift at 7-11. Then I went
back into
high school. I met some kids who were interested in making movies, and
they saw
me in the school play we did my senior year. We were doing "Peter Pan"
and I
was Captain Hook. They liked my style, and they cast me in a "Beach
Party"
spoof. I directed two or three of these, but mostly, I acted in them.
But I
felt my true calling was to be a director.
Q: So you acted in student films first?
A:
Yeah, I was one of those actors who says "but what I really want to do
is
direct."
Q: What was the first thing you directed?
A: In high school, I directed a scene for my
English
class. We were studying Shakespeare, and the class was separated into
groups and
did scenes. So my group got stuck with Hamlet's soliloquy, the Alas
Poor
Yourick bit. I didn't act in that, I just directed
it.
Q: How long have you lived in California?
A: About
17 years. I was born in Canon County, Michigan, and I hitchhiked to
California
when I was fourteen.
Q: Why hitchhiked? You didn't move with your family?
A: No I
didn't. My parents were killed in a car crash when I was eight, and my
sister
and I ended up with different foster parents. But after one family,
that was
it! I'm not going to go into what happened, but when Child Services
found out,
I was back at the Children's Home faster than a jackrabbit in mating
season!
Q: Jackrabbit in mating season?
A: Yeah
I picked that up from some college friend or another. I didn't trust
any of the
families who came in. The more normal they seemed, the less I trusted
them.
That first family that took me in seemed normal, but the father was
alcoholic
and abusive, the mother smoked everything under the sun and then some, and the oldest kid,
who was
seventeen at the time, was . . . . . well, let's just say he was the
main
reason I was taken out of that home. So were the family's two younger
kids.
Q: So when does the hitchhiking come in?
A: I'm
getting there, I'm getting there. When I turned thirteen, I kept
trying to get
out of Michigan. So I kept running away from the children's home, but
they
always found me, and brought me back. I kept this up for a year,
running away
every other week or so. They finally shipped me off to this Home for
Wayward
Boys. I called it the Asylum, because I was going crazy there. These
guys were
a lot tougher than they were at the children's home. And the kids
there were
really messed up.
Q: What do you mean?
A: Most
of the kids were like junior drugees and alcoholics. A lot of them had
been
physically and sexually abused. I fell into the latter category, I'm
sorry to
say. There were two or three kids there who were suicidal. I think one
was homicidal.
They had a room where they were giving the seriously "disturbed" boys
electric
shock therapy.
Q: I can see what you call it the Asylum!
A:
Yeah, that's for sure! I swear, it was like living in a mental
institution! Anyway,
I kept up the runaway act. I also did whatever I could to get thrown
out. You
know, vandalized everything I could get my hands on, pick fights, that
sort of
thing. Eventually, running away finally worked. I think they were
tired of
calling the police with reports of "Bob Rafelsen again." I went to
Lansing
where I hitchhiked to California, and here I am.
Q: Did you always go by Bob?
A: Yes. My full name is Robert Reid Rafelsen. My
parents called me Bobby for awhile, and so did my sister, and the
people at the
children's home. I shortened it when I turned thirteen. In all
honesty, I hate
to be called Bobby. This is probably because my seventeen-year-old
foster
brother had a very obnoxious way of saying it.
Yeccchhh.
Q: I've heard rumors about you participating in suggestive movies. Is that true?
A:
Unfortunately, yes, it's true. I gotta tell you, it was the worst
experience of
my life! It was my first year at Los Angeles Community College. I was
studying
film, music, radio, TV, that sort of thing. These three or four guys
came up to
me at the student union, and told me they saw a short I directed and
starred
in. It was a one man performance that I called "Night of the Living
Big Mac."
Q: "Night of the Living Big Mac?"
A: It
was the weirdest thing I did. I put the video camera on the table and
sort of
"animated" a Big Mac coming to life and devouring the entire town. I
had bought
like five or six Barbie dolls as the Big Mac's victims. At the end of
the
short, the Big Mac is laughing, until a giant hand picks it up. The
Big Mac is
screaming, and then there's silence. Then the hand puts the Big Mac
back on the
table and there's a huge bite in it. I did all the sound effects. I do
a mean
scream, I tell you!
Q: (laughs) That's a little out there.
A:
Yeah. (laughs) Anyway, these guys saw it, and they told me they
liked my
style. They invited me to join this production company of theirs. They
were all
like twenty-three, twenty-four, around that, and here I am, this
eighteen-year-old schmoe from Michigan, who just directed the
schlockiest short
you ever did see in your entire life, and they asked me to join their
production team. I was so excited over it, I said yes without really
thinking
it over. They called themselves Midnight Fantasy Productions. I didn't
even
think about what was going on.
Q: What did you do for these productions?
A: I
mostly did the financing. I was still on the graveyard shift at 7-11,
and every
now and then, the guys would give me a briefcase, and they told me to
go to the
corner of such and such, and give it to this guy, and he'd give me
this huge
wad of money. They told me never to open the briefcase. I never did,
because
these guys were a lot older than I was. After awhile, we'd all sit
around and
smoke, and drink, and there were all these girls around, heavily made
up, big
breasts, tiny outfits, that sort of thing. We all lived in this house
belonging
to Midnight Fantasy's CEO, and there were all these . . . . . Ladies
of the
Evening, or whatever the phrase is, hanging around. I was only
eighteen, and it
was kind of weird. So then, I started acting in these things. In the
first one
I did, they had me wear a mask, a holster, these tight jeans, so tight
they
looked painted on, you know? And they also had me wear this western
shirt,
cowboy hat, and cowboy boots. They were calling this thing "The Lone
Stranger."
Then they started videotaping me with a camcorder, telling me that
they were
doing a screen test. They also gave me like six or seven drinks, to
loosen me
up, because they said I was too stiff in front of the
camera.
Q: Did you loosen up after that?
A:
Loosen up was an understatement. I was so plastered, you wouldn't
believe it!
They told me to do something wild and crazy, so I got up on the table
and I
kicked off the cowboy boots, and I just started stripping, and I was
singing
"The Stripper" music, too. I took off the shirt, and I start swinging
it
around, and they're taping this whole thing. Then they had me lie down
next to
this girl in this saloon girl's outfit, and they gave me another
drink. I don't
know what happened after that. I think I blacked out after having so
many
drinks. And they didn't dilute the stuff either, they gave it to me
straight.
So I woke up the next day, seriously hung-over, with no recollection
of what
happened. So this went on for about a month. They'd get me drunk, they
got me
to do who knows what, and they'd film every single thing. And I never
caught
on!
Q: Did you eventually catch on to what they were doing?
A:
Yeah, after awhile. I was both figuratively and literally sick of the
routine
they had me on. And they never told me what they were doing with the
footage of
me when I was drunk, so I told them I wanted to direct one of these
productions, and they wouldn't let me. They said I was to "green" to
direct. To
this day, I still don't know what they heck they meant by that. In any
case,
our CEO said he was throwing this Arabian themed party, and he gave me
this
sheik outfit. And before I knew it, I was high, drunk, and acting like
a loon,
and there are all these belly dancers flocked around me. One of the
guys gave
me a glass of something and he told me to drink it. So I drank it, and
I tell
you, it was the strongest thing I ever tasted! Like almost the minute
I guzzle
it down, I'm on the floor. SPLAT! Next thing I know, it's morning, and
I was
laying next to this girl I didn't know, and her clothes are all over
the floor,
and my clothes are all over the floor, and there are like six or seven
other
couples in the room, and their
clothes are all over the floor! It looked like . . . . . well, never
mind what
it looked like, but you can only imagine my shock when I saw this!
Q: Yeah, I bet.
A:
Yeah. So anyway, I didn't have the nerve to confront our CEO just yet,
so I
just took a walk downtown, get some air, go catch a movie or
something. I don't
know what was out, I think "E.T." or "Poltergeist," "European
Vacation," "The
Breakfast Club," or whatever the heck was out at the time. I think the
first
Care Bears movie was out, I don't know. Anyway, the only theater I
knew in this
district was a small one, and it specialized in risqu� stuff, you
know, you had
to be eighteen or older to get in. I glance at a poster and I
recognize myself
on it. It says "Bob Rafelsen stars as Bobbalicious, the Lone
Stranger." I tell
ya, my eyes nearly popped right out of their sockets! So I go in, and
I take a
look around, and we've got all these posters saying "Bobbalicious In"
some
flick or another. We had "The Lone Stranger," "The Sheik of Suite
Seven
Fifteen," and my "personal favorite"
(note the sarcasm), "Bobbalicious and the Bad Girls." So I go to see
"The Lone
Stranger," and it's me doing the stripper bit on the coffee table. And
that did it. I stormed back to
Midnight
Fantasy's HQ, ready to throttle these guys. I walk into the main
"studio,"
which was basically an empty bedroom, and the guys who filmed me doing
the Lone
Stranger thing are in there, and they've got this girl . . . . like
thirteen or
fourteen, I don't know, they've got this teenage girl on the table,
half naked,
passed out drunk, and they've got her strapped to the table with duct
tape.
They stopped what they were doing and looked at me, because I wasn't
supposed
to be in there at the time. I told them to stop what they were doing,
and they
looked at me as if I were crazy. When they didn't say anything, I kept
going,
because they had teenage kids all over the place, both boys and girls,
and what
they were doing was illegal. These kids were like between twelve and
fifteen,
and these guys were in their twenties and thirties, and some of them
were
older. I also found out what was in those briefcases I was delivering.
Pictures
of grade schoolers in . . . . well, let's just say questionable
positions. I
was so mad, I told them I wanted no part of it, and I was going to
tell the
police about them.
Q: Did you?
A: No,
they sort of got to me first. I was just about to leave when they
jumped me. I
tried to fight them off, but they were too big, and too strong. Two of
them
held me by the arms, and another one started punching me in the face
and the
stomach. Then they threw me on the ground and just kicked me in the
stomach. I'll
never forget what one of them said. He said to me, "Once you join
Midnight
Fantasy, you don't leave until we tell you to leave." It was then when
I
realized I unwittingly joined a cult.
Q: So what did you do?
A:
Unfortunately, not much. Next thing I knew, the CEO comes in with a
roll of
duct tape. He rips off a piece and puts it over my mouth. Then he says
something like "get him prepared. If he wants out, we'll give him
out." So
then, the guys sort of took me into their basement, and sort of put me
in a
toga made out of a bed sheet. They also taped my wrists together
behind my
back, and they taped my ankles together as well. Then they put on
these black
hoods, and black gloves, and they set up the camera. Then they took
these whips
and started to hit me with them. Then after that, they ripped the tape
off my
mouth, and poured the strongest form of alcohol you ever tasted down
my throat.
Then they put the tape back on, took some razor blades, and started
cutting my
arms, legs, and face. I still have the scars from that incident, but
you can
only see them on my face if you look closely. They're more visible on
my arms
and legs, which is why I don't wear short sleeves or shorts anymore. I
don't
want people to think I'm a cutter. Anyway, after they were done
slicing and
dicing, they loaded me into the back of their equipment van, drove out
to some
slum or another, and just deposited me in an alley and left me for
dead.
Q: Then what happened?
A: Well,
some time had gone by, I guess a couple of hours at most. I don't
really know,
because the next thing I knew, there was a German Shepherd licking my
face, and
there's this guy I knew from my film class standing over me. The
police and the
medics are there, and they took me to the nearest hospital. The police
were at
the hospital, and I just spilled my guts about Midnight Fantasy, and
then they
went to report it. The doctors found traces of LSD in my bloodstream,
and some
other drugs as well.
Q: What happened to Midnight Fantasy after that?
A: It
was a couple of weeks later, after I had been released from the
hospital when I
heard about them again. I picked up the local paper on my way to class
and read
that the "CEO" had hung himself, as did the other members. What had
happened
was after I told the police what happened, it sort of made the local
news, and
some of Midnight Fantasy's other victims began calling in to the
police telling
them their accounts of what had been going on, and most of them were
the
teenage kids. The members found out, and they all figured there were
too many
people to track down and have "mysteriously disappear," so the CEO
just gave an
order or something and they all hung themselves. I gotta say, some
cults are
downright crazy!
Q: Yeah, I hear ya. So what did you do after this experience?
A: I
got together with this guy, Jake Marlon, after I went back to school.
He was
the one who found me in the alley. I credit him for saving my life,
because the
doctors told me if he hadn't called an ambulance when he did, I would
not even
be here today, and Midnight Fantasy probably still would. In any case,
Jake and
I and some buddies of his started our own production company. We
called it
Marlesen, which is a combination of Jake's last name, and my last
name.
Q: What kind of movies did you make?
A:
Schlocky B-Horror pictures, what else?
Q: Ah. I might have known.
A:
Yeah, Jake was a huge horror buff. He liked the gory stuff. He really
loved "The Exorcist,"
especially the
head spinning scene, and the pea soup bit. That one was a little too gross for my taste. Jake
liked the
ultra scary stuff, blood and gore, and such. Me, I prefer schlock. My
two
favorite movies are "The Blob" and "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."
Incidentally, a spoof of "The Blob" was Marlesen's first
movie.
Q: Did you make any
money with
these?
A: We
didn't start making money until we did "The Christmas Hacksaw
Massacre," which
was a spoof of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." One of Jake's friends
submitted
it to a film festival and it won first prize. Then we decided to see
if these
would make it in the box office. I don't really remember how we
managed to do
that, but we did. Soon, Marlesen Productions was a huge hit for horror
buffs
like me and Jake.
Q: How long did Marlesen last?
A:
Three, four years, max. Jake sort of got into drugs and alcohol,
especially
marijuana. There was a lot of that going around our place. I managed
to stay
clean. It got to a point where I was doing most of the work. I was
doing the
writing, the financing, the producing, the distributing, the
accounting, you
name it, I did it. Jake just sort of hung with his druggee buddies and
got high
all the time, so I was doing the work of two people, but was only
getting half
the credit, and half the money. I never spoke up, and to this day, I
don't know
why I didn't. But we were making money, and lots of it. It came
crashing down
one Christmas Eve, though. My greed had gotten the better of me, and
my girlfriend
at the time was sick and tired of me. So after that, Jake went out to
drink and
get high, and I told him to call me if he needed a ride home, because
I did not want him driving drunk. One
of my
biggest pet peeves is drunk drivers. That's how my parents were
killed. They
were hit by a drink driver.
Q: Did Jake call you for a ride?
A: No,
I never heard from him. I got a phone call the next morning and they
told me
that Jake was dead. He had crashed his car into a tree and was killed
instantly. After the funeral, I directed a short about drunk driving
and
submitted it to the Los Angeles Public School system. I was shooting
for
teachers showing that to their students in high school or something. I
didn't
really pay much attention to any critiques on it. I just folded up
Marlesen and
that was the end of that. I just sort of dropped out of the lime light
and went
back to 7-11, but during the day this time, just to pay my rent. After
Jake
died, I just lost interest in everything. Jake's friends wanted
nothing to do
with me, because they said I was too square, because I didn't smoke
marijuana,
or shove crack up my nose, or stuff like that. Hey, I wasn't gonna fry
my brains to be cool and have
friends.
In any case, I was seriously contemplating suicide after a couple of
weeks. I
figured no one would really care if I was gone. I mean, I had no one.
No
friends, no family, no nothing.
Q: What stopped you from committing suicide?
A: At
the time, I was living in a small apartment, and I mean small! It was so small, the cockroaches were hunchbacked.
(snorts
disgustedly at
his own stupid joke) Anyway, the
living
room was right next to the bathroom, and I happened to have the TV on
and the
bathroom door open one night. I was just about to jam a razor blade
into my
neck when I heard the show "Unsolved Mysteries" come on. I watched
that pretty
often, just in case I knew something about one of the cases they
profile,
because, well, you just never know, right?
Q: Right.
A: So
anyway, I go and sit down, and they started profiling this "Lost Love"
case or
whatever. They start it in, of all places, Canon County, Michigan.
Needless to
say, I was intrigued. But what really got me hooked was when they
mentioned
Allan and Joanne Rafelsen, who were my parents. They mentioned the car
accident,
and they mentioned the kids, Robert Reid Rafelsen, and Sondra Lynette
Rafelsen.
And they even interviewed Sondra Rafelsen, who is better known as
Sadie. I was
three years old when she was born, and I couldn't say Sondra, so I
called her
Sadie, and the name stuck. But I'm off the track. During the
interview, Sadie
said that it had been fifteen years since we had seen each other and
she wanted
to see me again. The minute they put the number to call on the screen,
I
snatched the phone and dialed as fast as I
could.
Q: And that's what stopped you from committing suicide?
A: Yep.
I thought it wouldn't matter if I killed myself. I wouldn't be hurting
anyone.
Then I heard the TV and saw my sister on "Unsolved Mysteries," saying
that she
was looking for me. After a couple of weeks, I got in touch with Sadie
over the
phone, and she just shrieked. I think I went deaf! I told her I saw
the show,
and then she came out to LA.
Q: When did you start working at Screen Gems?
A: A
year after my sister got married. She and her husband persuaded me to
send my
resume into all these studios. Her husband, Dirk, he told me to keep
the
Midnight Fantasy stuff in, because it was part of my work experience,
and he
said that it would make my resume stand out. I went in for interviews
at nearly
every place in California, but never got the job. Finally, I went in
for an
interview at Screen Gems, and I was desperate for work. I was doing
freelance
photography and videography at the time, and it wasn't getting me
anywhere, and
I was back at 7-11 just to make ends meet. I didn't tell that to the
interviewer. All I said was that I was desperate and I would do almost
anything
to work at a studio. They told me I could start in the mail room and
they'd see
how it would go from there.
Q: What did you do in the mail room?
A: I
had to deal with the fan mail for the actors currently on the roster.
Very few
of them were nice. A lot of them, in fact, were jerks. They didn't
even sign
their own photos for autographs. They gave me these stampers and an
ink pad and
told me to handle the pictures. So what I did was I'd take a photo,
the
matching stamper, and an ink pad, and then just WHACK! Slam the
stamper on the
photo and send it. I had this wall with these cubbies that had a pile
of photos
in each, and the matching stamper. That way, I didn't get mixed
up.
Q: How long were you in the mail room?
A: Six
months. They moved me to the front desk, and I had to deal with the
sponsors
for the TV unit. Then it was to the front desk to answer the phones. I
was
doing some more movies in my spare time, and a couple of the
executives thought
they were pretty good, but not good enough for me to direct anything
of theirs,
unless they purposely wanted a flop, which, at the time, I don't think
they
did.
Q: How did the whole Camp Monkee Mallard thing come around?
A: Camp
Monkee Mallard came around when the head honcho of SG called me into
his office
and asked me if I would like to head a project. I told him okay, and
he said I
was going to be the head of the music department. It was pretty empty
at this
point, and they told me I could do what I want with it. I pick the
talent, I do
the producing, that sort of thing. I didn't know what to do at first,
so I just
said, okay, and I was the head of the music thing. I think he just
wanted me
out of movie directing for awhile.
Q: Why do you say that?
A:
Kellogg's is a huge sponsor for Screen Gems stuff, and I did this
schlocky
thing for a laugh that I called "Cereal Killer." Honestly, it was just
supposed
to be seen by me, my sister, and my brother-in-law and his family. I
had this
stuffed chicken, you know, the Corn Flakes mascot? And I was walking
around the
room, clucking and filming this stupid chicken. I also "animated" the
chicken
eating a bowl of Corn Flakes. In anycase, I had a little box of
Cheerios with
me, which is a General Mills cereal, and therefore, Kellogg's
competitor. I set
the camera up on a tripod and filmed myself putting on these black
gloves. I
was also wearing a black ski mask. I set up a tape recorder and pushed
the play
button on it so the next thing you heard was more chicken clucking,
and then I
reach out and grab the darn chicken by the neck and shake it, and all
these
panicked chicken sound effects are coming out of the tape recorder. I
take the Cheerios
and pretend to shove them down the chicken's throat. Then I go up to
the
camera, and say in this really gruff voice, "Kellogg's sucks!"
(laughs)
Anyway, I was called away suddenly, and left my
project in
the room, unattended. It just so happened that I had mixed the tape up
with
some of the other tapes with Corn Flakes spots that had been filmed
for
television. They just had to send them over to the Kellogg's people,
and my
tape got sent to Kellogg's.
Q: Uh oh!
A: Uh
oh is right! Kellogg's called here and really chewed out my boss! They
threatened to pull the plug, and the studio couldn't afford to lose
Kellogg's
as a sponsor. He immediately called me into the office and gave me a
chewing
out! He even got Kellogg's on the phone, and they gave me a chewing out!
Q: How did he know you did it?
A: I
was the only person there who ever filmed schlocky horror
stuff.
Q: Oh, I see.
A: I
actually asked him if he was moving me to the music division because
of the
whole Corn Flakes fiasco. He said no, but he said it in a way that
meant "yes."
So I just went with it.
Q: Who was the first act on the label?
A:
Camille Chameleon, actually. I was scoping out bars and clubs and
stuff, and I
found this girl, this anthropomorphic duck (I call them "anthros" for
short).
She's on stage doing this "Stupid Cupid" thing. You know, that old
Connie
Francis song? So anyway, she's singing that, and she's got this . . .
. I don't
really know how to describe it, but her voice is a bit on the raspy
side. But I
liked what I was hearing, so I asked her if she'd be interested coming
onto the
SG label, and she said okay.
Q: Did your boss mind?
A: I did ask for his approval with
Camille,
but he told me that I was in charge of the music division, I can do
whatever I
want with it, he didn't care what I did. I think he was tired of me
begging to
direct something. I don't know. In any case, after I found Camille,
she and I
went on this east coast tour thing, and we found the next act, an
anthro duck, Quacky
Quackerstein. Camille and I found him in a piano store or whatever at a
mall in
Philadelphia, and he's playing one of the pianos. And this guy is
good. He's
playing this old Floyd Kramer thing, "On the Rebound," which sounds to
me like
something out of a Charlie Brown cartoon. When he's done, he just sits
there,
staring at the keyboard, sort of intently. When I manage to get his
attention,
which is done by me screaming in his face, I tell him that his playing
just
knocked me out, and I asked him
if he
would be interested in joining the label. We signed him on as a studio
musician, until I found out he could sing. Although he zones out a
lot.
Q: Why is that?
A: He
tells us he fell out of a tree when he was eight, hit his head, and
suffered
some minor brain damage. Don't even try to talk to him when he's
reading a
book. You'll never get anywhere. He gets too caught up in the
story.
Q: So who came next?
A: The
Monkees. This was in . . . . August, I think. I'm thinking either July
or
August, because I had met Peter's nephew when he was twelve, and he
had turned
thirteen that September.
Q: How did you discover the Monkees?
A:
Quacky and Camille were top sellers at the time, but I needed some
more on the
label. Two people wouldn't go anywhere, you know? So I went club and
bar
hopping again until I stopped into the Vincent Van Go-Go. So there are
these
four guys . . . . though I couldn't tell if there were four or five in
the
group, because of this twelve-year-old kid who would get up on the
stage every
other song or so and perform with the group. The drum said "The
Monkees," so I
figured that was the name of the group. Their act bombed, and there
were only
four people applauding them. The twelve-year-old, a blonde girl, a
brunette
girl, and myself. Nobody else did anything. Not even boo them off the
stage! So
when their set was over, I walked to their table, told them I was a
record
producer, said I liked their style, and told them to stop by the
offices so we
could talk turkey. So the next day, I get a call from this guy, Mike
Nesmith,
and he says he and the other three Monkees are interested, but Peter
would only
sign up on one condition.
Q: What was that?
A: I had to give his nephew, Fluey McAlister, an
audition. I later found out he was the twelve-year-old kid at the
club. He was
somewhat of an aspiring musician, so I figured, okay, what the heck,
why not? I've
seen teenage musicians before. Frankie Lymon for example. The problem
was that
he was underage to sign the contract, and so was Davy, for that
matter. I had
to send a contract all the way to England for Davy's father to sign
it, and
Peter had told me he had absolutely no idea where Fluey's parents
were. I later
found out that Peter was Fluey's legal guardian, but I wasn't sure if
I could
have Peter sign it for Fluey and it remain legal or what. So I sent it
to
Connecticut to get Peter's mother to sign the darn thing. In any case,
when I
got the contracts back, we were able to get started. Although I didn't
know
what to do with Fluey at first, but I'd probably figure it out sooner
or later.
So I got some names on the label, but I think I needed a little more,
so I went
club hopping and bar hopping. It was in one bar when I found Reggie
Bushroot,
and he was doing a couple of old Rick Astley tunes. Remember Rick
Astley?
Q: Sorta.
A: Yeah.
Well, Reggie's doing them, and I come up to him when his set is over.
You know
what the first thing I said to him was?
Q: What?
A: I
said to him, "Hey, it's not easy being green!" because he's, you know,
green. (laughs) So he gives me this look . . . . I don't know how
to
describe it, but it was one of those "What
did you just say to me?" looks. So I sort of laugh nervously, and said
just
kidding. I don't think he appreciated the joke. He told me that he has
heard
that comment about twenty times since he was in college. Anyway, I
apologized
and told him that his voice just knocked me out. Really, you have got
to hear
Reggie sing. He's got this deep bass, and he can hit a falsetto at
times, too.
I told him I was a record producer, and I wanted to sign him
up.
Q: So why was he green, anyway?
A: He
told me it was a college science experiment gone bad. He was doing
something
with plants. He didn't say much after that. So I signed him then and
there.
Then I decided to put an ad in the paper to get some more acts on the
thing.
Q: How did that go?
A: Well,
I got a ton of people in, and all they would sing was "Kum By Yah." I
really
grew to hate that song with a passion! Everybody
who came in sang "Kum By Yah" and I was really sick of hearing it. So
anyway,
this anthro duck walks in with a guitar, and I had just had it. I told
him that
if he wanted to audition, he was gonna have to sing something other
than "Kum
By Yah," and if he did sing
it, I was
gonna grab him by the nostrils, and toss him out of the office. He
looks at me
like I'm an axe murderer, clears his throat, and takes out an electric
guitar,
and plugs it into an amp. I had heard tons of "Kum By Yah" on various
instruments, but not an electric guitar. I was about ready to scream,
if I
heard that song one more time, but he didn't play it. I think he just
did this
riff or something. I don't know if it was a real song, but really,
this guy
blows me away.
Q: Who was this?
A: This
was Drake Mallard, but I didn't like the name much, as a singer. So I
started him
as a studio musician. A little while later, I had Quacky, Reggie, and
Drake
sing something, and the three of them sounded okay, so I billed them
as the
Mallards, but I told Drake he had to get a stage name, because I
didn't
particularly like the name Drake Mallard for a singer, and he didn't
particularly like the fact that the band name was the same as his last
name. He
came up with Darkwing Duck.
Q: How did he come up with Darkwing Duck?
A:
Beats the heck out of me! He's never really explained why, but the
rest of us
don't ask. Anyway, after a week with the Mallards, I realize they
needed
something, but I'm not sure what, so Mike goes over and sings the song
with the
guys, and that's it. That's what the Mallards needed. So Mike joined
the
Mallards that minute.
Q: How did the rest of the Monkees feel about losing their fourth?
A:
Surprisingly well. This is because Mike jumps from one group to the
next, and
basically, the Mallards are a trio, and Mike only sings with them or
tours with
them when I need a fourth voice for the Mallards, but most of the
time, he's
with the Monkees.
Q: Can you tell us the wall story?
A: Oh
god, the wall story. I hate this story. Okay, I was holding this staff
meeting.
The Monkees were there, the Mallards were there, Camille was there,
Fluey was
there, Mike's wife Phyllis was there, Peter's wife Valerie was there,
and
Drake's wife Pam was there. And this was before Jerry, Sarah, and Ken
came into
the picture, just so you know. I'm setting the scene here. In any
case, the
Monkees had just released a new album, and it had gone gold, but Mike
wasn't
happy. He hated the new album, and he was upset that I had released it
without
consent of the guys. So in any case, at the meeting, Drake got the
ball
rolling, to say the least, and there I was trying to tell Mike and the
guys
that what we were doing at the time was what the public wanted. Mike
and I have
had this argument about a million times. The thing is, we clash
something
awful. He's a high strung perfectionist, I'm a high strung
perfectionist.
Q: So what happened?
A: I told Mike he sounded like a broken record because every time we had a meeting, he'd complain about the set up. So he finally said if I didn't let him or the others have more input he was gonna quit. I told him to read his contract, and that only we could tell him when to quit. Then he slugged the wall.
Q: He actually slugged the wall?
A:
Yeah, he put his fist right through it! SMASH! Really, it was about an
inch
from my face! Well, after that, he says to me, "that could have been
your
face," and he's out of there. Phyllis almost immediately jumps up and
follows
him out. The others just start yelling and talking at once, and then
there's
Fluey, who was either thirteen or fourteen then, he had screamed, and
he was
positively petrified, because he had never experienced Mike's temper
before.
And this was the first time I had
ever seen him blow! Most of the others left, and I just sort of
collapsed in a
chair and began to hyperventilate. I was having flashbacks of that one
foster
family I was in. I didn't mention this before, but my foster father
actually
broke my nose once.
Q: You're kidding.
A: I
swear, it's no joke. The whole wall incident reminded me of the time
my foster
father broke my nose, and I was scared to death. I felt like I was
having a
heart attack, and the rest of them, well, they didn't really pay any
mind to
me. To them, I was just a jerk on an ego trip. But really, I was
shaking like a
leaf, here. Reggie, Quacky and Micky were hanging around, and the
three of
them noticed I was in this catatonic state, so they asked if I was
okay, told
me when Mike usually exploded, he would go calm down, and he'd be cool
a few
minutes later. I just nodded, took out my phone, and called someone to
arrange
for the Monkees to have control over their music, and for him to get
someone to
come in and fix the wall.
Q: So what happened after that?
A: I
just let them go nuts in the studio. After that meeting, we referred
to it as
The Wall Incident, and to this day, I try my best to avoid having Mike
lose his
temper and come up and smash my face in. But when we let them have
control over
things, sales plummeted, and I needed to find a way to make some fast
cash. I
filmed some test movies, but then I decided not to release them. Mike
was
getting edgy about that, wanting to know why I bothered to make them
if I
didn't release them, and I said no one wanted to see much of the
Monkees
anymore because we were being bombarded by teen idols and stuff. Then
I went
and opened my big mouth and said that the guys weren't talented
actors.
Q: What did Mike have to say about that?
A: He
didn't say anything, but he nearly knocked my head clean off my body.
After
that, I vowed to myself, okay, no more stating my opinion around Mike
Nesmith
unless I want to commit suicide! Of course, there were a few times
when I came
right out and told Mike he couldn't have his way, then he'd throw a
fit, and
I'd let him have his way. I'll admit, I was just being chicken, but my
body has
gone through the wringer so much in the past eleven years, I didn't
want
anymore to be done to it!
Q: Would you mind elaborating on that?
A:
Well, other than the Midnight Fantasy stuff, I had an extremely
abusive
childhood, let's say. I spent two years with one foster family, who
seemed very
normal. Like I said before, they already had three kids. The oldest
was
seventeen, and they had a nine-year-old boy, and a four-year-old girl.
I was
eight when I lived with them. Well, I mentioned that the mother was an
alcoholic, and she smoked everything under the sun and shoved God only
knows
what up her nose twenty-four seven, and the dad was an alcoholic, too.
He took
most of his anger out on the seventeen-year-old, and he'd smack around
the two
younger ones from time to time. And he really smacked me around a lot,
too,
even more so than the seventeen year old. Probably because I wasn't
their real
kid, I don't know. In any case, the stuff this man would do to me . .
. . like
I said, he broke my nose, but he also broke my hand once, and slammed
me into
the wall a couple of times, I remember he gave me a black eye once,
and I told
everybody I ran into a doorknob. So basically, I learned to just do
whatever he
asked, and not make trouble. But compared to the abuse I had to go
through with
the seventeen-year-old, this guy made it seem like a walk in the
park!
Q: What happened with the seventeen-year-old?
A: You
know when I told you about the Asylum? How most of the kids there were
physically and sexually abused, and I fell into the latter category?
Q: Yes?
A:
Well, the seventeen-year-old . . . . the only way I can describe him
was that
he was one sick little puppy. I remember the first time it happened.
This is
something I will never forget, for as long as I live, no matter how
hard I try.
One day, he comes up to me and asks me if I want to see something, so
I say
"okay" and I go with him. I'm not going to go into the gory details,
because,
really, I don't know how to describe it, other than saying that I was
sexually
abused by my seventeen-year-old foster brother for two
years.
Q: Yeah, okay, sorry I asked.
A: Eh,
don't sweat it. Actually, this is the first time I've ever talked
about it for
the longest time.
Q: How come you never talked about it before?
A: Because
I didn't want anyone to think I was wallowing in self pity to play on
their
sympathies. I have wallowed
in self
pity, but it was always when I'm alone. I'm not the kinda guy who will
gather a
group together and go (mock whining) "oh poor
wittle me!
Nobody wuvs me! Everybody hates me! I guess I'll go eat worms!" You
know,
something like that. I'm only talking about it now, because I think
it's time,
you know what I mean?
Q: Yeah, I think I do. So has there ever been a time where you actually told Mike where he couldn't have his way, and stuck to it?
A: Yes.
So far, only one time, and he raised such a big stink over it, but I
told him
that they were going to do it, whether he liked it or
not.
Q: What was "it?"
A: I
made them tour. That doesn't really bother Mike, as far as the Monkees
are
concerned. He doesn't mind touring, as long as it's with the Monkees.
That way,
he can just come out and play his guitar, and he's a happy camper. But
I wanted
to do a tour with the Monkees, the Mallards, and Camille, and the
Mallards
sometimes don't play instruments, so they dance at times, and Mike
hates it. I
can understand why, he's uncoordinated.
Q: Then why is he part of the Discophonics?
A: I
haven't the foggiest idea. I guess I just liked the way they blended.
But then
again, I didn't form the Discophonics.
Q: Who did?
A:
Jerry Blavat. I'll get to the story on that in a minute or so, because
it sort
of ties in with the touring. I had planned tours for weeks, but I
never got
around to working with them. Right before I wanted them to start, I
just got
the news that Drake's wife, Pam, was killed in a car crash, and that
just shook
everybody. I felt bad for Drake and his two kids, I really
did.
Q: Do you know the details?
A: It
was a drunk driver. He hit her, and walked away without so much as a
scratch. I
gotta wonder where the justice is in that.
Q: Did you finally get a tour going?
A:
Yeah, about two months after the accident. I'm sure Mike wanted to
have my
head. Camille couldn't work with Mike's temper when it came to the
dancing. So
I called on this DJ I knew the Monkees knew, because I heard he was a
dancer.
Q: This was the Geator.
A: Yep.
Jerry Blavat. I had heard his radio show before I called him in, and I
know the
Monkees knew him due to a band contest he was MC-ing, and the Monkees
signed up
for. I asked him if he could help Mike. Jerry said he wasn't a miracle
worker,
and Mike nearly popped him one. But they got over it, and got down to
work. This
is where the Discophonics come in. It was after the tour, and Jerry
started
hanging around here a lot, much to Davy's dismay. He and Jer don't get
along
too well.
Q: Why is that?
A: The
band contest I mentioned a minute ago was for mixed groups, and the
Monkees
made Davy dress like a girl, and Jerry . . . . well, Jerry sort of
fell for him
. . . . needless to say that band contest sort of made fools out of
the both of
them, and they blame each other for it. Anyway, Jerry hung around, and
he and
Reggie and Mike sort of got together, and played around with Jerry's
record
collection. The three of them started singing along with a lot of
Jerry's doo
wop and Four Seasons records, and something just struck a chord there.
I told
them to record a demo of them doing the Four Seasons bit, but not
singing along
to the record, and another group was born.
Q: Who came up with the name?
A: Oh
jeez . . . . I don't really know, but my best bet is that it was
Jerry, because
the word "discophonic" is one in his vocabulary. I think it came
around when we
were trying to come up with a name for the group, and we were trying
to think
of what hadn't been done. I mean, I would have called them the
Cadillacs, but
it apparently had been done. I had other ideas. They didn't like
Corvettes,
because that made them sound like a girl group, Mike didn't like
Fords, because
he said when people think of Fords, they either think "Found On Road
Dead" or
"Fix Or Repair Daily." Reggie didn't like Chevrolets, because he was
afraid
they'd get called "The Chevys" for short, and all three of them hated
the sound
of that. Jerry didn't like the Dodges, because he said it sounded too
much like
the Dodgers, you know, the baseball team. I had also come up with
Buiks, Concordes,
Cavaliers, Limos, and GTOs, but they didn't like those. I finally got
so fed up
with the three of them, and yelled "well then you guys come up with
something
better!"
Q: I can see where that was heading.
A: Heh,
you're not kidding. Jerry didn't have anything. As a matter of fact,
after I
yelled at the three of them to come up with a better name, boy, did he
squirm! Reggie
and Mike, however, they had ideas, but they were worse than mine. We
had Reggie
come up with the Harleys, and the Vegetables. We all just stared at
him as if
he were nuts for coming up with that
one! Mike's bid was the Texas Prairie Chickens, and when we shot that
one down,
he came up with the Corpses. He came up with another one, but I can't
say it
here. Too risque. I still don't know if he was just kidding or not
with that
one!
Q: So how did the name come around?
A: Well, Reggie, Mike, and I were yammering all at
once
about these names and stuff, and Jerry stepped in, and he had to yell
to be
heard over us. He says something along the lines of the name of the
group has
to sound like something out of the doo wop era, and Jerry knows doo
wop. He
says it has to be new, it has to be different, it has to be
discophonic, and
Mike just gives him this look and says "say what?!"
because this is the first time we had ever heard him say something
like that,
and then it hit me. I told them we'll call them the Discophonics. It
was
different, to say the least. The guys were tired of arguing about it,
so they
went with it.
Q: What happened after the birth of the Discophonics?
A: The gang got into the swing of things after
awhile. Then
the head honcho comes in and tells me to direct a movie. A full length
feature
film, and he wants the gang to be in it. You know, Monkees, Mallards,
Jerry,
Camille, Phyllis, blah, blah, blah. And just my luck, the set designer
quits two
days after I get the script. I needed someone to make the sets, or at
least
design something, so I called around, and I got a hold of this artist,
Sarah
Phoenix. I hadn't seen her work, so I don't really know how good she
was. But
apparently, Reggie had, because he and Micky, they sometimes go to art
galleries,
and Reggie was familiar with Sarah Phoenix and her work, and he was a
fan of
it. So when he heard I had hired her to paint the sets for the movie,
he rushed
into my office and starts going, "where is she? I gotta meet her!" So
I
introduced them.
Q: Did Reggie know what Sarah looked like?
A: No way. He was under the impression that Sarah
Phoenix
was an older woman. So when he saw her, he says to me, "you're kidding
right?"
And I think Sarah was ready to throttle him. I told Reg that I wasn't
kidding,
this was Sarah Phoenix. Reggie was just dumbstruck. He could not
believe what
he was seeing here. So I just left them alone, and they got to
talking. Next
thing I heard, the two of them had left the studio together during a
lunch
break, and then they came back together, and they worked on the sets
together.
From that point on, Reggie and Sarah were practically inseparable. And
they
weren't the first couple that met at Camp Monkee Mallard. Quacky and
Camille
were pretty much a hot topic in the teen magazines when it came to
romance.
Q: What about Mike and Peter?
A: They had been married before I signed them.
Drake had
too, but at this point, he was now a bachelor, but not
looking.
Q: I've heard rumors about Camille being extremely . . . . active, let's say. Are they true?
A: Oh man. The honest answer to that is yes. I'm
not sure
why she was at the time . . . . she isn't anymore, but she and I,
well, we
dated before I signed Quacky to the label, and a little while after I
signed
Quacky . . . . she went out with Micky, Jerry, and Davy a couple of
times, and
I think she saw Reggie once or twice before she and Quacky became
serious. I do
know, however, that she never went all the way with Micky or Davy. I
can't say
much for Jerry, because he neither confirms nor denies it, and neither
does
Camille for that matter. I know I have had an intimate night or two
with her,
and so has Reggie.
Q: Does Sarah know that?
A: Yes, Sarah does know that. Actually, Sarah's had
some
pretty intimate relationships herself, but not with any of us, except
Reggie.
And yes, Reggie knows about it.
Q: When did the Butterflies come around?
A: Well, Sarah was not only doing the sets for me,
but she
hung around a lot with Camille when she wasn't
hanging
around with Reggie. And there were times when Drake's brother-in-law and his wife came down and then, she'd join in with Camille and Sarah. The three of them would get to singing, and they
sounded.
Camille
came up with the Butterflies, and it stuck.
Q: I heard somewhere that they all knew each other before Camp Monkee Mallard got started?
A: Well, sorta. See, by the time Fluey had come to live with Peter, things were getting a little stressful at the Pad. I think they all went their separate ways and made new friends, or somethin'. I knew all four of them knew Jerry Blavat before Camp got going. They all knew Valerie, too. Actually, Peter and Valerie got married right before we started Camp Monkee Mallard. Micky and Reggie knew each other, Mike and Reggie knew each other, Fluey and Linda knew each other, and Davy and Quacky knew each other. And Valerie and Phyllis knew each other. They were roomates.
Q: When did Phyllis come into the picture?
A: A couple of months before I found the Monkees at the club. It was a pretty bizarre situation. Mike had met Phyllis right after he found out he was part witch, and that alone is a pretty bizarre story. I wasn't there when it happened, but Jerry was and so were two of his aunts, so they'd know the details.
(WEBMISTRESS'S NOTE: This is going to be in an upcoming story)
Q: I also heard a rumor where you were the prop man on some TV magic show?
A: Yeah, that was "The Amazing Monticello," and it starred Marvin Monticello. He was this magician at a local carnival, and we filmed the show over there in front of a live audience. Mr. Monticello was not a very nice guy, at times, and he made me nervous, especially when I had to lug heavy things for him, because I dropped things and broke things a lot. This was right after Camp Monkee Mallard was formed, and I was shutting everybody out. I wasn't going by Bob then. It was Robert. And with Mr. Monticello, it was Robert do this, Robert do that. There were times where he called me "Robbie," and he was the only one who could get away with that at the time.
Q: When did you start going by Bob?
A: I think Mike was the one who started it. I mean, Jake Marlon and his buddies called me Bob from time to time, but mostly, I went by Robert. I still go by Robert on credit lists. The only time I ever go by Bob in anything in the media is on my recordings, unless it's a soundtrack to a play. Then it's Robert. But in any case, as far as Camp goes, I think Mike just up and called me "Bob" one day, and the others followed suit, and it just stuck.
Q: When did Ken and the Impossibles come into the picture?
A: Ken Mills was a fairly recent installment. Fluey
had
turned sixteen, so we threw him this gigantic party, and he invited
his best
friend, Multi Mills and his girlfriend, Shawn Smith to the party, and
Shawn
invited some of her friends, who were Erin James, Linda Stanley, and
Aimee
Armbruster. Aimee had invited this boy she knew from another school,
Sebastian
Cat, and Sebastian brought along his friend, Coiley Collins. I already
knew
Fluey's friends, except Linda, and I knew Sebastian, because I had
been working
with his little sister, Lilly, who's a friend of Drake's nine-year-
old,
Gosalyn. This was my first meeting with Coiley and Linda, but I didn't
think
much of the deal with Linda, since all she did at the party was drool
over
Davy. This was also before Jerry had met Linda as well. As a matter of
fact,
Jer was in Philly when we threw the party, but I'm off the
subject.
Q: Just one thing, how did Aimee know Sebastian if they went to different schools?
A: Aimee has a little sister named Ellen, who's
also friends
with Sebastian's sister, Lilly. They were in the same third grade
class, and they
also took an art class together after school during the time, and
Sebastian
usually had to pick Lilly up, and Aimee usually picked Ellen up. So
that's how
they met, and became friends. Multi, Shawn, Aimee, and Erin had known
each
other since Fluey moved out here to LA when he was eleven. As far as I
know,
they knew Linda pretty well at the time, but then she dropped them
when they
were fifteen or something for the Davy Jones Fan Club, and then she
dropped the
fan club after awhile.
Q: Why did she leave?
A: Complicated story. Her "friends" from the DJFC
hated
Jerry with a passion, so they spent a couple of days attacking him.
Only Linda
was hesitant about the entire thing, but it didn't stop until the
other girls
almost killed him. I don't know too many of the details on that one.
Mike,
Davy, or Jerry won't tell me much on that. So anyway, back to the
party.
Q:
Yeah.
A: We just let the kids goof off for awhile. Peter
and
Valerie were chaperoning the thing, as well as Multi's father, Ken,
who was a
better chaperone than Peter because he's older. I was in my office,
still
trying to find a niche for Fluey. I had given him some stuff to
record, but
they didn't go very far. So I decide to work on something else for
awhile. I
began to go through a movie script, when Peter ran into my office,
saying "Bob,
get out here, you've got to hear this!" and I ask him, "well, what is
it?" All
Peter says is "Really, trust me." Well, as far as Camp Monkee Mallard
goes,
Peter is the only one I do trust.
Q: Why is that?
A: The others have used every excuse in the book to
weasel
out of doing something. Mike is the worst. I have been told so many
lies by
these guys, it isn't funny. Peter has been the only one of the men of
Camp
Monkee Mallard to be truthful to me when it comes to him not being
available to
do something. So I got up and went to see what was going on, and there
are
Coiley, Multi, and Fluey just jamming together on guitars, singing
Beatles
songs at the tops of their lungs. I like the way it sounds, and BOOM!
We've got
not only another band on the roster, but I finally found that niche
for Fluey I
had been looking for.
Q: Who came up with the name?
A: That one nobody knows! I think we were all
tossing things
out, and someone came up with The Impossibles, and it just stuck. I
don't think
anyone wants to take credit for coming up with the name, but I can
tell you, it
sure wasn't me. Ken didn't become a regular member until I started
working on
"Nights in White Satin."
Q: I saw that. Was it supposed to be a horror movie?
A: Yeah, I wanted to do a horror thing that wasn't
a spoof
of a schlocky B-flick, but it looked more like a comedy than a
horror.
Q: So now that we're done with the career questions, can I ask you some personal questions?
A: Fire when ready.
Q: Okay. Have you ever been married?
A: Once. Only once. We met after Marleson got started. Her name was Veronica Haddley, but most everyone called her either Ron or Ronnie. We were nuts about each other. But her parents weren't too crazy about the relationship, so we had to elope. A year after that, we had a kid and we named her Rita. She's eight years old now.
Q: What happened to the marriage?
A: Ron got wind of my career in X-rated movies two or three years after Rita was born, and filed for divorce the next day. She moved out, and she took Rita with her, and moved to New Mexico. I hadn't seen either of them since, but to make a long story short, we straightened things out, Ron moved back to California, and we both agreed to joint custody for every other month. I get her January, March, May, July, September, and November, and Ron gets her February, April, June, August, October, and December. Exceptions to these are Mother's Day, Father's Day, and if something should come up like Ron has to go on a business trip, or if I'm shooting on location or on tour or something along those lines.
Q: So, you're not currently in a relationship.
A: Yeah, and I'm not in any big hurry to get into one, either.
Q: Why is that?
A: This is gonna sound really crazy, but I'm sort
of afraid
to get into a relationship, probably because I'm afraid of what's
gonna happen.
Every single person I have ever gotten close to in my entire life has
been
taken away. First my parents, then my sister, then my best
friend.
Q: So what's with the shades?
A: These are actually perscription glasses. I got them when I was in high school under some very bizarre circumstances. I ended up running into a local gang of guys at my school who were all drunk, and we sort of got into this fight . . . . . I don't remember what it was about. All I remember was one of them threw a broken beer bottle at me, and I got hit in the face with it, so now I wear these rose tinted glasses, but I can actually see in normal color with these things. I mean, nothing looks rose-tinted when I wear them. And I have to wear them because I am completely blind as a bat without them!
Q: Is it true you got a visit from the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future?
A: (laughs) Yes, but you will
not believe the story! It was
during
Christmas, natch. I was being a Scrooge over the whole holiday,
because this
was during my "I Hate Christmas" phase. Probably because my parents
were killed
around Christmas, and so was Jake. When I was young, I really didn't
know what
a Merry Christmas was, and it just brought back painful memories, I
don't know.
Anyway, I was trying to figure out how to capitalize on this whole
Christmas
thing, because I needed a way to make some cash, so I started working
on this
Christmas concert, but Peter had left early because he got a call from
the
school nurse, and he had to go pick up Fluey, because he was sick. I
told him
to come in early the next day, but he didn't, so I docked his pay. I
had also
fired Mike for not doing the concert, and then everyone else quit on
the
concert, they refused to do it. Then I tried to make everyone come in
the
twenty-sixth, and that's when Mike decided to pull the whole Ghosts of
Christmas Past, Present, and Future on me. He cast this weird spell,
and his cousin
Sabrina was Past, his aunt's boyfriend, Dr. Early, was Present, and he
was
Future, though he staid hidden until he wanted to push me into a
grave.
Q: You're right. I don't believe it.
A: I didn't think you would. I told my sister about it, and she said I needed a vacation.
Q: Anyway, back to the questions. What do you do on your days off?
A: Sometimes sleep, and sometimes catch up on some
deadlines
and stuff. Other times, I go play tennis. I've been playing tennis for
about fifteen
years or so. Usually, I'll play with Peter and the girls, because
they're the
only ones who'll actually get out and play it with me. Mike hates to
play
tennis with me, because I cream him. That and he refuses to wear
anything above
his ankles. That includes tennis shorts. I told him he can play tennis
in
jeans. I do it all the time.
Q: Why's that?
A: Because of all the scars on my legs, and my
arms. I wear
long sleeves all the time. I don't want anyone to see my scars because
then I'd
have to explain about Midnight Fantasy, though the guys are probably
gonna find
out about that anyway after they read this interview. In any case,
they've only
seen the scars on my face, and those you have to look really close to
see them.
I told everybody it was a shaving accident.
Q: So what else do you like to do in your spare time?
A: I go to video stores and rent schlocky B flicks.
They
don't run classics like those in movie theaters anymore, and I usually
have to
go to specialty stores to get them. I also like to watch cartoons, and
old TV
shows.
Q: What are your favorites?
A: Yogi Bear, Huckleberry Hound, classic Hanna- Barbera. And my favorite TV shows are the sci-fi ones. And the horror types. And the old Superman with George Reeves, and I Love Lucy. I adore I Love Lucy! My favorite episode is "Job Switching." That's the one with the candy factory.
Q: Do you have any favorite people in Camp Monkee Mallard to work with?
A: The kids. I like working with Gosalyn and her
friends.
Q: Why is that?
A: Well, I feel kids understand things better than
adults. I
feel I can open up to them more than I can with Mike and Jerry and
Davy and the
others. Of course, I don't tell them every little thing about me, but
I find
them easier to talk to, and I've always admired the innocence of
children. I
don't know.
Q: Now, among the kids, which ones are the easiest to work with, and which ones are the hardest?
A: The easiest kids to work with are Julie Olsen
and Leland
Lizard. With them, they do what you tell them, and they don't give any
lip. Gosalyn's
pretty easy to work with, but there are times when she gets incredibly
difficult. And Catchum Crocodile is one of the most difficult kids
I've ever
worked with. He cops an attitude at times, but he gets the job done
when he gets
in the mood. It all depends.
Q: Mind if I ask some more personal stuff?
A: Go ahead.
Q: Favorite food?
A: Okay, you're probably going to find this
disgusting,
because everybody else at Camp Monkee Mallard does. My favorite food
is
liverwurst, sardine, and onion sandwiches.
Q: Liverwurst, sardine, and onion sandwiches.
A: Yeah. Don't ask me why I like 'em, I just like
'em. Mike
is my worst critic, especially after lunchtime.
Q: Why is that?
A: My breath. Actually, sometimes I eat those
sandwiches
just to get someone off my back, like the president of Screen Gems.
They could
just be standing there talking to me over something, and then I'll say
something, anything, and then, well, good night!
Q: (laughs) Okay, I can see why you don't have a girlfriend, either.
A: (laughs)
Q: So do you have any words of advice?
A: Yeah, I have a few words to live by. One is
learn from
your mistakes, don't let setbacks stop you, and keep trying. Be
persistent. Never
give up once you get started. Also, don't eat a liverwurst, sardine,
and onion
sandwich when you have a hot date and expect a goodnight kiss. I've
learned
that the hard way!
The End